GET TO KNOW A TEAM BETTER: THE CLEVELAND BROWNS
The NFL off-season is nearly over; training camp has opened and pre-season is just around the corner. You feel great. You can barely put on pants in the morning. We understand. To help you get back into the spirit of things I have decided to write about whatever team I feel like until the season begins or I care to stop, whichever comes first.
The owner. Previous minority Steelers owner Jimmy Haslam III (nothing screams "the common man" like “Jimmy Haslam III”) purchased the Browns for over one billion dollars on Friday, which is approximately 10 million per staph infection. Remember this is a team that hasn’t been to the playoffs since 2003 and had only two winning records since the team moved in 1996 and was inactive for three years (it was the most efficient three years in Browns history). God only knows how much fucking money good teams want. This team has gone to the postseason once in that time; when the team had a 10-6 record in 2007 a tiebreaker kept Cleveland from going to the postseason, as it should be. The postseason exists for teams like the Browns to fire their head coach and tend to their bumper crop of staph infections. They have no place in the postseason.
Currently the Third is saying that he's keeping the franchise in Cleveland but that's fucking horseshit. He'll change his tune when he realizes that he has to fucking live there. Certain mine shafts are more pleasant to live in than Cleveland. If you hooked up a piece of barbecued pork to a 220V live wire in the center of Cleveland, half of the population would be dead by the morning. The other half would be asking for more barbeque sauce. This offseason I expect the Cleveland Plain-Dealer to show up to OTAs only to find a giant hole dug in the bottom of the practice facility. When they follow the tunnel they will wind up in front of the LA Cialias Browns stadium with a drunk Jim Brown in front of the stadium drinking a bottle of rum and firing an AK47 into the air. That's fucking legal in LA.
For the love of God I hope there's money left over to finally clean the locker rooms. At least get rid of the family of possums that are living in the showers. They’re scaring the punter.
Oh, and this will go over really fucking well:
“’I am 1,000 percent a Steelers fan!’ Haslam declared.”
So, you’ll be even happier when your team loses to the Steelers twice a year! You can wear your Steelers’ jersey to the stadium on those days! It will go over well. Maybe Colt McCoy can help you clean off your house when it gets egged back to the stone age.
Quarterbacks! Well, Cleveland now has Brandon Weeden! That’s going to fucking save the franchise unlike the last time you reached for a fucking rookie quarterback that was going to fucking save the franchise. Never mind that we reached for Colt McCoy last year and he makes Chad Pennington look like he has a fucking rocket for an arm. This 29-year-old rookie plan cannot fail! Weeden should be having back and bowel problems by the time this wretched team is ready to compete, assuming that he hasn’t already shot Greg Little for being on his lawn. Pretty soon Cleveland will be fucking raiding the CFL for the quarterback of the future. LOOKIT WHAT I FOUND AT THE DUTY-FREE STORE, COOCH!
Team? Linebacker Chris Gocong just ruptured his Achilles tendon and will be out for the season. Scott Fujita is also out for the first three games due to President For Life Goodell’s suspension and to date the team has no players for the secondary. Additionally the team just traded up one slot to get Trent Richardson from the Vikings, and now he’s having his second scope on his surgically repaired knee in six months. There really wasn’t too much fucking risk that the Vikings would have chosen another talented running backs with recent leg surgeries. They’re already stacked at that position with Adrian Peterson.
Additionally now Joe Haden, a top pick in the 2010 draft, is suspended for four games for violating the league policy against steroids. All that has to happen now is for Brandon Weeden to come down with Typhoid and you have the standard Cleveland experience. Enjoy the FAIL.
I have to end with this. By federal law, all Cleveland Browns internet ramblings must end with this video: