GET TO KNOW A TEAM BETTER: THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
The NFL off-season is nearly over; training camp has opened and pre-season is just around the corner. You feel great. You can barely put on pants in the morning. We understand. To help you get back into the spirit of things I have decided to write about whatever team I feel like until the season begins or I care to stop, whichever comes first.
The owner. This is Shad Khan, who is an American billionaire born in Pakistan. GET YO RACISM ON:
In all honesty he bought the Jaguars and didn’t immediately move them to L.A. so that gets him some points right there. Not that I have any love for this fucked-up team but not too many owners would give a fuck about the local community after buying a franchise in this condition, so he deserves some credit for that. Also, any man who rocks a handlebar moustache like this needs props. He looks like a James Bond villain, albeit a low-rent one, but still that’s pretty cool. Khan should enter the stadium each game gliding in on a zip wire; that would get the crowd excited to see the Jaguars down by 20 points by the end of the first quarter.
But unless his fucking moustache can block off the line it won’t really mean jack shit. Maybe he can have a squat Asian man throw a razor-lined top hat at opposing defensive linemen but that would probably cause Roger Goodell to suspend James Harrison again.
Rowr! In June the Jacksonville chamber of commerce leaked an “inspirational” Jacksonville Jaguars video introducing the residents to “jaguaring”, which is supposed to be their take on Tebowing but far less dignified. Here are some stills from the video:
Yeah, this featured the dude with the bow tie. To make things worse he had the stereotypical “musicals are FABBU-LOUUSSS” lisp to boot, so this was a real winner. Here’s how I remember the video starting:
"Here’s a guide to jaguaring. It’s easy. First: get your claws out…”
Then he made cat-like claw motions. You go, girlfriend!
“…second, turn to the side, and three: give the Jaguars rowr.” (Closeted gay man displays catty motions.)
He then proceeded to trick local sports host into “jaguaring”; this guy even got a bunch of locals to go in on this:
Most of the “locals” were people over the age of 50 that looked like they had been pulled off a cruise line, but still. I was going to write a blog post on this but the Jacksonville chamber of commerce efficiently pulled all of the videos off the internet the next day, to my great disappointment. In reading some of the Jaguar blogs it appeared that the motivation was to keep Jaguars fans from killing their families in a murder-suicide; it appears that being poisoned to death by daddy before he turns a magnum on mommy is more dignified than growing up a Jaguars fan. Obviously, this is a huge overreaction. It’s fucking Flordia. We all know that the father would have murdered that family anyway.
With the speed that this video was taken down I suspect our alternative-lifestyle friend here was promptly taken out to the swamp, shot in the head and left for the alligators to dispose of. Don’t fuck with the Jacksonville chamber of commerce.
This is a team? Since Mike Mularkey became a head coach the team traded up in the first round to draft a wide receiver with a drinking problem and drafted a fucking punter in the third round. Additionally they gave Laurent Robinson $32.5 million in the offseason and “he hasn’t looked like that type of wide receiver so far”. It’s too fucking bad that, you know, this didn’t happen at the same time the other 31 NFL teams also decided that Laurent fucking Robinson wasn’t worth that much. Additionally, Mularkey hasn’t talked with 2011 NFL leading rusher and only good offensive player Maurice Jones-Drew yet:
“I don’t know him at all…I don’t drive home or sit in my office worrying about it. I don’t waste the energy.”
On an unrelated topic fucking Gabbert has a noodle arm and went 1-14 in preseason drills and the star defensive tackle for Jacksonville nearly lost his vision in a bar fight when he took a bottle to his eye socket. So yeah! No fucking reason to start negotiating with Jones-Drew now! Not when your fucking third-round punter is under fucking contract! Because the head coach needs his fucking beauty sleep.
The fans. Let’s just end with this picture:
Apparently this fan decided that what really would show solidarity with the team would be to get on national television and fist a stuffed jaguar. His parents must be proud. Or wishing they got around to that murder-suicide.