SEATTLE'S FIRST PRESEASON GAME
First off, I’d like to thank Jon for getting me a ticket to the first preseason game. I’d also like to thank Gene for his piss-poor planning that arranged for him to be out of town for the first preseason game, enabling me to go. Apparently Gene had a camping trip planned; as a Seahawks fan running for the wilderness the second football starts is a knee-jerk response and something that takes some dedication to overcome.
Thoughts:
• We actually could, you know, have TWO fucking starting-caliber quarterbacks on our roster last year. That’s fucking like three more than last year. Contrary to published reports Tavaris Jackson was in fact in the stadium; he sold me a beer and then was promptly sacked for a 15-yard loss.
• Chris Johnson ran for eight yards and dropped two passes in limited action. CJ2K, huh? More like CJ650yds/3td/2fum/10-18passes for 42yds if you ask me. BURN.
• After the big signing Terrell Owens was nowhere to be seen at the game. His only excuse was “Marshawn Lynch was giving me a ride”.
• Matt Flynn looked like fucking competent and everything – I don’t have his stats in front of me but he actually moved the ball down the field and admittedly didn’t get into the end zone. However, this was without John Moffit and John Carpenter were in the lineup, so we were fucking thrilled that one of our quarterbacks could get down the field without taking 20-yard sacks every other snap.
• The first play of the game was an interception returned for a touchdown. Because I liked it so much, here it is:
• Maybe it was just because Chris Johnson ate ass all night, but Leon Washington looked like he had his burst back. Robert Turpin looked great running as well, running with power and most importantly with sobriety.
• Along those lines, I had little bottles of Seagram’s that I was going to throw into the end zone instead of Skittles if Marshawn Lynch got a touchdown. Unfortunately for him he didn’t play. MORE DRINKING AND DRIVING FOR ME.
• Russell Wilson looked fucking good, going 12-16 for 124 yards, a score and a pick. On one play it looked like his height might have caused a problem (screen pass tipped at the line) but otherwise you wouldn’t know that he needs elevator shoes to see over his offensive line. Braylon Edwards caught a touchdown pass from Wilson in the third quarter. Without dropping it, or stabbing anyone with a fork. Now I can die in peace as I truly have seen everything in life.
• I can’t fucking express how excited the crowd was on Saturday. It was almost like a regular season game. We have a young, aggressive defense with a great secondary (for once). The running game was working and we actually had a competent quarterback. Only one guy tried to shoot the referees for a change. It was the most optimistic Seattle fans have been since fucking forever. I fucking know that it will just make it worse when we go 6-10 but let me enjoy the moment.
• Matt Flynn on Terrell Owens: “He’s very smooth…he’s obviously a physical specimen. Big guy, big hands, big strong hands…it was good.” Look, I don’t fucking know what you two have read about Seattle but seriously, not all of us want to hear this discussed openly.
• Zach Miller suffered a “minor” concussion during the first preseason game and now Kellen Winslow and his one good knee will start in the next preseason game. I can only assume the third tight end comes down with rickets.
• Then there was this man:
I love this photo. “Oh, Pete Carroll. I’ve fallen for you before, but you left me with broken promises, a broken heart and this fucking Charlie Whitehurst jersey. Now you’ve come with this Matt Flynn ensemble and am I ready to believe in you again? Dare my heart take the leap of faith with this chasm below? I could use some nachos.”
On to the random shit:
• Unrelated news: I just watched the roving shitfest that was the Monday night preseason game between the Raiders and the Cowboys. Jon Fucking Gruden mentioned that between Sebastian “Rum And Coke, But Mostly Rum” Janikowski and Shane Lechler it cost the team about nine million. The Raiders shanked a 47-yard and a 39-yard field goal attempts in this game. Money well spent!
• Additionally, apparently Janikowski earned the nickname “butthead” from always laughing like the character from “Beavis and Butthead”. I can imagine that. “Huh uh uh huh uh. You drafted me in the first round. Huh uh uh huh uh. I make fucking millions and I’m a kicker. Huh uh uh huh uh. I haven’t been sober since I was drafted.”
• Speaking of which that was a nationally televised pre-season game that ended 3-0, Dallas. Mass graves were more uplifting.
• Goddamn you, Darren McFadden. You look so fucking good in the preseason. GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU. You only like the beginning of things. The season that you play for 16 games is probably when you get fucking nominated as the father of the year. And I’ll probably still draft you in the fucking first round.
• Backing up Carson Palmer’s sole knee is Matt Leinart, and behind him is Terrell Pryor. That’s one murderer’s row of quarterbacks there. I can see the season now with McFadden and Palmer out and Leinart on IR with a venereal disease, leaving Pryor to throw wounded ducks to Darius Heyward-Bey all night.
• I don’t believe that Al Davis is dead, by the way. He’s still a vampire. He has an underground sarcophagus constructed under Oakland stadium and he’s living under there, picking at his undead head scabs for all eternity. His minions are slaves to his will by drinking his blood and they work tirelessly to bring him pure Mormon blood and to try and swing a three-way trade for Tavaris Jackson.
• This is Derek Anderson pretty much throwing himself into the turf during the preseason instead of being plastered by a defensive player or trying to make a pass. What, you expect Derek Anderson to stand in the pocket and make that throw? You do not know Derek Anderson very well at all. Derek Anderson is not going to take a hit in the preseason. Derek Anderson is thinking ahead, to when Derek Anderson gets traded to the Cardinals for a fourth-round pick because all of their quarterbacks are in the Kurt Warner Memorial wing of the local hospital thanks to the fucking shitty offensive line. Derek Anderson has been around the preseason before. Derek Anderson knows what’s up.
