GET TO KNOW A TEAM BETTER: THE ST. LOUIS RAMS
The NFL off-season is nearly over; training camp has opened and pre-season is just around the corner. You feel great. You can barely put on pants in the morning. We understand. To help you get back into the spirit of things I have decided to write about whatever team I feel like until the season begins or I care to stop, whichever comes first.
Rams Rules. Every Rams post should have this video come first:
I love the beginning. “When the offense comes on the field, ssshhhhh! After years of sub-par offensive line play Sam Bradford is like a scared rabbit, and loud noises could cause him to hide in the locker room and cause the offensive coordinator to lure him out with a carrot. We lose more time outs that way.” What about the slow clap thing at the end. When does the team slow clap? Do they do it together or do some start out at first and then everyone joins in? How long do they slow clap for? I think there should be another video on this.
Jon laughed this video off as “helping Rams fans learn how to cheer”, but in all honesty this team is so fucking terrible that I can understand that there needs to be a video guide to what a happy Rams fan could possibly look like. Either that or clear suicide instructions; if the stadium ever played anything from the Cure people would be tying nooses around their necks and jumping from the upper tier. And that would just be while the players are stretching, because no doubt their starting left tackle would get a skull fracture while stretching out his hamstrings.
Has anyone found out who made this? You would think that someone went to jail for making this.
The players. Sure, it’s great that the Rams got to fleece the Redskins this year out of multiple draft picks; that’s what the Redskins do. But frankly with Bradford’s career arch (“dead at 26”) you might want someone with Griffin’s mobility behind one of the fucking worst offensive lines in history. Steven Jackson has already lost two inches of height after spending five seasons being kidney punched at the bottom of a pile after he got inadvertently tackled by his own teammate, and these are your wide receivers for the St. Louis Rams:
Brian Quick
Chris Givens
Danny Amendola
Steve Smith
Greg Salas
Brandon Gibson
Fuckface McShitStain
I made one of those up (Brandon Gibson). Steve Smith is a walking bag of cock. Not that it matters since Jackson and Bradford will be in the whirlpool by week three. St. Louis has a very large whirlpool.
And it’s not like the defense will bail them out since Gregg Williams has been sentenced to 300 years in Siberia by Mein Kampf Goodell for his part in the Saints bounty scandal. But St. Louis still doesn’t have a fucking defensive coordinator:
"Fisher believes if the game plan is sound, it doesn’t matter who makes the calls.”
Clear communication and in-game adjustments? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE YOU COMMIE PINKO FAIRY. We’re going to do this the AMERICAN WAY, by shouting and being belligerent to make up for our lack of knowledge and a cerebral cortex! The middle linebacker will audible every play with “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.” We will see more of this:
This is the quintessential Rams play. Not only does the defender whiff on the Jordy Nelson tackle, he takes out his teammate Al Harris while doing so. Additionally, this gives Harris a concussion and takes him out for the year and eventually forever as Harris retired after this season.
The action. Finally, the Red Zone is already trying to forget about the fucking St. Louis Rams. Last year on the Red Zone you could go from the excitement of two real NFL teams to the fucking mass grave that is a fucking Rams game. You could even hear the announcer’s voice break as he just wants to fucking admit that all other games were going to commercial. “We’re now taking you live to St. Louis because we absolutely have to. I am so, so sorry that we are doing this to you. Please ask all small children and impressionable pets to leave the room.” And then we’re back in the Suicide Prevention Clinic Dome of the Rams. If we fucking replaced 80 percent of the fans with cadavers no one would even fucking notice. I doubt the smell would be any better. The only way anyone would fucking know any different would be when nacho sales plummeted. The only fucking reason anyone goes to Rams games is for the free antidepressants. That, and they couldn’t get fucking tickets to Cardinals games.