ALWAYS BE COVERING: DAL @ NYG (3.5)
Football is starting right fucking now and OMG GUYS IT’S LIKE HERE AND EVERYTHING I COULD JUST FUCKING DIE and that might happen with the amount of alcohol that I consume regularly. I imagine it’s not normal to own a stomach pump. But all of that doesn’t matter because YAY FOOTBALL PLEASE DISTRACT ME FROM LIFE and shit hold on I gotta use the stomach pump again.
On a random topic, Dez Bryant apparently has some “guidelines” enforced on him by his team after attempting to curb-stomp his mother this off-season. Apparently Bryant will not enter strip clubs, has a midnight curfew, will attend counseling sessions and have a security team that will drive him to games and practices. Additionally he will avoid alcohol as well (DRACONIAN). If you might remember this is the Pacman Jones treatment that Jones put him on a while back and wound up with Pacman getting into a fistfight with his own security detail. So by week four expect to see Bryant being pulled over fucking a stripper in his car while going 75 miles an hour and with a dead security guard in the trunk of the car. And Jerry Jones will attend the bail hearing.
Anyway, if you believe (as I do) that the Giants will go to the Superbowl again, then you also have to embrace the early-season collapse that the Giants do as well. So, this prediction is pretty easy:
• Eli Manning throws six interceptions, five of which are returned for touchdowns, in the first quarter;
• Ahmad Bradshaw is confined to a wheelchair by the end of the game. With herculean effort he works back to gain his mobility and be cleared by team doctors, only to find out that Coughlin has given the starting job to Daniel Wilson;
• Cowboys’ defensive coordinator Rob Ryan eats an entire pig in the first quarter;
• Giants’ head coach Tom Coughlin becomes more and more incensed with the backup referees, to the point that he accidentally strangles one in the third quarter. Said referee is replaced within 60 seconds.
VEGAS LINES: NYG favored by 3.5.
VERDICT: Under.
GAME SCORE: DAL 31 NYG 33
Hey everybody, football is back! Postpone any murder/suicides plans you had!