NFL Draft Recap 2012
Hey everyone, I managed to crawl out of the crypt and effectively vomit words onto the Internet. Here are the impressions from the first round of the NFL draft.
1st Overall Pick – Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
I’m sure the Colts fans that waited hours to get in and watch the draft were thrilled to see that the obvious choice from eight months ago was finally fucking selected by the Colts two days before the draft began. Now Luck can officially adopt the enviable title of “the shithead that fuck Jim Irsay ran Peyton Manning out of town for”.
2nd Overall Pick – Washington Redskins (f/t St. Louis Rams) – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
After several months of waiting Dan Snyder finally got the next doomed quarterback of the Redskins franchise. Now Mike Shannahan can begin ruining Griffin’s career by forcing him to study film of John Beck without resorting to concealing it in stag porn footage. Someone at the draft was wearing this shirt of Washington Redskins quarterbacks:
The guy featured here was depressed about the previous eight years but unrealistically optimistic about the future. In short, the quintessential Redskins fan. Seriously, UN war crime tribunals are more upbeat. I am curious to know what the “WOMEN” sign in the background and the strange mannequin was for. This is a forum to watch the NFL draft. You will not have success with your search.
3rd Overall Pick – Cleveland Browns (f/t Minnesota Vikings) – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
The Browns traded their fourth-, fifth- and seventh-round picks to move up one slot to draft a player that Minnesota would never take. Richardson has an elite talent and widely considered the best running back prospect to enter the league since (ironically) Adrian Peterson. A few years from now we’ll all look back in awe over how Richardson would have taken over the league if it wasn’t for the four staph infections in three years.
4th Overall Pick – Minnesota Vikings (f/t Cleveland Browns) – Matt Kalil, T, USC
With one of the worst pass protections in the league Minnesota got the best offensive lineman in the draft – Kalil didn’t allow a sack in his final season at USC. Shoring up the offensive line is important to help develop the career of quarterback Christian Ponder and eliminate the offensive line as the reason he’s a total bust in three years.
5th Overall Pick – Jacksonville Jaguars (f/t Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Jacksonville surrendered their first- and third-round pick to move up two spots to secure Blackmon in order to bolster their wide receivers for next year. Blackmon will join Laurent Robinson while Mike Thomas will move back to the slot for 2012. Blackmon’s feet figure to be targeted frequently by quarterback Blane Gabbert on the few occasions that he doesn’t flat-out hand the ball to the defense to avoid getting hurt.
6th Overall Pick – Dallas Cowboys (f/t St. Louis Rams) – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Dallas signed Brandon Carr in the off-season but handed the 45th overall pick to St. Louis to draft Claiborne mostly due to post-traumatic stress disorder that came from attempting to rely on Terrence Newman for any reason. St. Louis, after trading with the Washington Redskins, traded down again to avoid the stress of having to draft football players. Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan gets a huge boost to the secondary in 2012 and it’s clear that the team intends to move on from oft-injured Mike Jenkins soon. In unrelated news, you think that Rex Ryan is a freak for liking feet? His brother Rob is into strange shit you haven’t even heard of.
7th Overall Pick – Tampa Bay Buccaneers (f/t Jacksonville Jaguars) – Mark Barron, DB, Alabama
One of the worst defenses for 2011 gets an instant playmaker that can play in the box and hold his own in coverage. And unlike CB Aquib Talib he can contribute immediately in 2012 without the Buccaneers having to engage in jury tampering, which is always a plus.
8th Overall Pick – Miami Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
Also notable since this was actually a pick that didn’t involve a trade, the Dolphins got the quarterback that they were reduced to having their eye on. The added benefit to this draft pick is that Tannehill can’t bolt to Seattle and is contractually obligated to showing up to the Miami facility for the next four years. Well, at least unless he decides to hold out for the 2012 season after talking to GM Jeff Ireland for 20 minutes. Speaking of Jeff Ireland, Carroll talked about getting Matt Flynn a few weeks ago:
“Carroll also revealed that Seattle didn’t have to do much courting to get Flynn to sign with them over Miami. ‘He went to see the Dolphins and after visiting them he called me the next morning early and said ‘Hey Coach, I want to come to Seattle,’ Carroll said. ‘It was kind of like a recruit calling me. He wanted to come.’”
How much of a fucking asshole is Ireland? “Hey Coach Carroll? Could I come to Seattle? Like, right now? Doesn’t Paul Allen have a fleet of helicopters that could come get me? I’ll get to the roof.”
9th Overall Pick – Carolina Panthers – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
Apparently Kuechly made something like 17,382 tackles in three seasons so he apparently has some idea of how to wrap up people, which is sorely needed. I imagine veterans Jon Beason and Thomas Davis will immediately tutor Kuechly on how to tear ACLs before the pre-season starts.
10th Overall Pick – Buffalo Bills – Stephon Gilmore, DB, South Carolina
The Bills did extremely well to pick up someone that can help bolster the pass rush, which is one of the worst in the NFL last year. As a side note to save on time occasionally I type up comments before the picks are actually selected. Anyway, I’m sure the Bills have come away with the defensive end of the future and I can have another beer.
11th Overall Pick – Kansas City Chiefs – Dontari Poe, DL, Memphis
Widely considered one of the biggest bust prospects in the draft Poe blew the doors off the Combine with great workout measurables (4.87 forty at 346 pounds, 44 bench reps) and poor game tape (poor technique, inconsistent motor). Romeo Crennel appears to have found the impact player so he can start to mold the Chiefs in the same manner that he did the Cleveland Browns.
12th Overall Pick – Philadelphia Eagles (f/t Seattle Seahawks) – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State
Well, that fucking figures. Right in our fucking lap is Fletcher Cox but that fucking genius Pete “Ask Me About A Bribe!” Carroll has to fucking trade down for what? A fucking sixth-round pick? Do you have any idea what we could have done with Fletcher Cox? I could have written things like this:
“Stiff Seattle defense starts with a rock-hard Cox”
“Defenses envious of Seattle’s giant Cox”
“Cox explodes into SF QB Alex Smith’s mouth, leaves him gagging on his knees”
“Cox repeatedly rams through hapless linemen”
“Fletcher Cox has sexual intercourse with Ben Roethlisberger in the third quarter”
FUCKING NOTHING. These are all fucking LOST because Pete Fucking Carroll drank three liters of hair tonic before fucking attending the draft, Cox went to Philadelphia and we’re all fucking dickless. FUCK. I hope Michael Vick makes him fight other defensive linemen.
13th Overall Pick – Arizona Cardinals – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
Obviously the Cardinals didn’t have a problem with Floyd’s off-field history and picked up what was widely considered to be the best wide receiver in the draft. QB Kevin Kolb begged the coaching staff to take an offensive lineman, but coach Whisenhunt gave him five dollars, told him to go see a movie and slammed the door in Kolb’s face. Kolb hit his head on the door; doctors say that his concussion symptoms should allow him to make training camp.
14th Overall Pick – St. Louis Rams (f/t Jacksonville) – Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
This was more of a developmental player who will need a lot of coaching to have any real immediate impact. The Rams were caught off-guard when they couldn’t trade down any more and grabbed the first guy who walked past.
15th Overall Pick – Seattle Seahawks (f/t Philadelphia Eagles) – Brock Irvin, DE/OLB, West Virginia
FUCK. What the fuck? Nobody with the last name of Irvin does shit in the NFL. Pete Carroll, you mindless fuck, you just can’t sell out everytime someone offers you a cookie jar full of spare change. You’re not in fucking college anymore. You make real money now.
16th Overall Pick – New York Jets – Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
Coples is a huge guy (6-foot-6, 284 pounds) that had one good performance in four years; being very large with a lot of potential that ultimately feel flat of what was promised makes him an ideal fit in New York. I don’t actually watch college football.
17th Overall Pick – Cincinnati Bengals (f/t Oakland Raiders) – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
The Bengals help shore up a questionable secondary with Kirkpatrick, who brings a lot of talent to the table and should be NFL-ready after being coached by Nick Saban. As usual, the Bengals overlooked a host of off-field issues and drafted someone with immense talent. At least, I assume Kirkpatrick has a host of off-field issues since he was drafted by the Bengals. I honestly don’t know much about him.
18th Overall Pick – San Diego Chargers – Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
And the next person for A.J. Smith to run out of town in four years because he was a complete unreasonable fuck in contract negotiations is…
19th Overall Pick – Chicago Bears – Shea McClellin, DE/LB, Boise State
In the news G.M. Phil Emery was thrilled that McClellin was used as a pass rusher in the Senior Bowl so other teams wouldn’t see him as a pass rusher. Hey asshole – you’ll be shocked to hear that other team fucking hire scouts, too. Even Cincinnati did this year. They might actually get an outdoor training facility someday.
20th Overall Pick – Tennessee Titans – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
Some had Wright as the best overall receiver in the draft, with extraordinary run-after-the-catch ability and extremely quick off the line. Apparently rebuilding the offensive line isn’t a priority until after Matt Hasselbeck dies (should be around October).
21st Overall Pick – New England Patriots (f/t Cincinnati Bengals) – Chandler Jones, DE/OLB, Syracuse
Holy shit, the Patriots traded up?! Was Belichek in a good mood after passing by a funeral or something? Jones could fill a role that was mostly vacant in 2011, most notably “defensive player with talent not eating himself into a new zip code”. This doesn’t bode well for Andre Carter’s future with the club.
22nd Overall Pick – Cleveland Browns (f/t Atlanta Falcons) – Brandon Weeden, QB, Oklahoma State
Here it is. After the “like, OMG, we’re so toootally behind Colt McCoy” speech that Holmgren gave over the offseason clearly the next big step that the Cleveland staff was hoping that McCoy would make would be off the roof of the team facility. The Cleveland Browns have the dubious honor of drafting one of the oldest first-round picks at age 28, but Weeden will probably start in short order. Colt McCoy was last seen sitting outside the team facility with a “free” sign hanging around his neck.
23rd Overall Pick – Detroit Lions – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
Finally the Detroit Lions placed “Not Having Matt Stafford In Traction For The Entire Month Of December” on their draft board over “nickel cornerback”.
24th Overall Pick – Pittsburgh Steelers – David DeCastro, G, Stanford
One of the best things the Steelers could do to protect Ben Roethlisberger outside of drafting a defense attorney. Roethlisberger gave a “thumbs-up” to the DeCastro pick. When asked about this pick Roethlisberger went into deeper analysis:
“HARF HARF THE BEN LIKES BIG DAVID. BID DAVID PROTECT BIG BEN FROM PEOPLE PUTTING HANDS ON EACH OTHER AND THAT WILL SAVE BEN FROM MR. MEAN AND EXPENSIVE LAWYER. BEN GETS THE SUPER BOWL AND BIG DAVID STOP BEN FROM THROWING PICKS. THEN WE CELEBRATE AND EAT CHOCO TACO AND PARTY IN LADIES BATHROOMS. BEN NOW GO TRAIN FOR SEASON BY PLAYING GOLF IN SCOTLAND. MCHARF MCHARF.”
Why Roethlisberger isn’t in the draft room on draft day is beyond me.
25th Overall Pick – New England Patriots (f/t Denver Broncos) – Donta Hightower, LB, Alabama
Fuck, the Patriots traded up twice in the first round this year? I should get back to work on that fallout shelter. There is some question about Hightower has enough talent to be a three-down player but he should be used primarily as a run stopper as a rookie.
26th Overall Pick – Houston Texans – Whitney Mercilus, LB, Illinois
Clearly the Texans feel the need to try and replace Mario Williams. Remember when that GM from Houston passed on Reggie Bush to select Mario Williams? What a fucking stupid move. I’m so glad he’s unemployed now.
27th Overall Pick – Cincinnati Bengals (f/t New England Patriots) – Kevin Zeitler, G, Wisconsin
Word is that the Bengals were in the market for an offensive lineman who can pass by a Horton’s Donuts shop without losing all self control and crashing into the side of the building because the drive through would have taken too long.
28th Overall Pick – Green Bay Packers – Nick Perry, LB, USC
Green Bay takes some player who scouts claim to be putting in 30-70 percent effort in an attempt to remind themselves of the Brett Favre era. This was just a clumsy transition into the next news item, Brett Favre will indeed have to answer questions under oath about alleged sexual harassment when he was with the Jets:
“Also named in the suit are the New York Jets, for fostering a ‘hotbed of sexual harassment, sexism and inappropriate behavior…’”
RAWR! How sexy does that sound…(promptly receives a 35-page indictment and subpoena from several attorneys)
29th Overall Pick – Minnesota Vikings (f/t Baltimore Ravens) – Harrison Smith, DB, Notre Dame
Favre was, as you remember, sent text messages to two massage therapists with “Brett here, you and Crissy want to get together, I’m all alone,” and “Kinda lonely tonight, I guess I have bad intentions.” So, even when attempting to cheat on his wife Brett Favre kinda acts like a kid out there. Apparently a pretty inept and embarrassing kid when it comes to picking up women, but still. I doubt he’s going to have as much fun on the witness stand desperately attempting to avoid perjury.
At any rate, Minnesota already put some of those draft picks that they got for free when Cleveland showered them with picks to not draft the player they were not going to draft anyway.
30th Overall Pick – San Francisco 49ers – A.J. Jenkins, WR, Illinois
I guess Randy Moss has to put down the bong and actually report to OTAs now.
31st Overall Pick – Tampa Bay Buccaneers (f/t Denver Broncos) – Doug Martin, RB, Boise
The Bucs move up to get the second running back in this draft after (in Mike Holmgren’s delusions) failing to move up to get Trent Richardson for something far less than the second half of their draft. Martin projects to at least get work on passing downs while LeGarrette Blount can still work on punching downs. Ha ha ha! I kill me! Tip your waitress! How many more fucking picks can there be?
32nd Overall Pick – New York Giants – David Wilson, RB, Virginia Tech
“We were completely committed to Ahmad Bradshaw until about 38 seconds ago.”