ALWAYS BE COVERING: WEEK ONE
OK, so let’s just get this shit over with. I’m horribly late and I am positive that no one will read this. On we go!
IND @ CHI (9.5) Indianapolis is going to surprise a lot of people this year. Unfortunately this will be far, far later in the year after fucking dreadful play and a turnstyle of a run defense. Surprising people is a lot easier after a few weeks of utter failure. That being said, Andrew Luck and a surprisingly good Colt secondary will keep this closer than a nine-point spread.
VERDICT: Under
WINNER: Bears
PHI (8.5) @ CLE Cleveland, on the other hand, will surprise absolutely nobody, much to the benefit of local bars and hard alcohol sales. If fans set themselves on fire in the fourth quarter it will be the only reason the RedZone switches to this game. The only thing Cleveland has going for them is that Vick should be really uncomfortable in anyplace that has a dog pound.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Eagles
STL @ DET (7.0) Detroit had a shitacular off-season and a really terrible secondary. Fortunately, St. Louis has a scared rabbit at quarterback and no wide receivers. Let’s not think about this too much.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Lions
NE (5.5) @ TEN OK, so a coach that prides himself in cheating and referees that got fired from the lingerie bowl? This is pretty much writing itself.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Cheater-er, Patriots
ATL (3.0) @ KC There are a lot of defensive injuries to Kansas City and the Atlanta passing attack is supposed to be in top form this year. I believe everything I have hitched my fantasy wagon to.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Falcons
JAC @ MIN (4.0) Over/Under: 30 percent of people who voluntarily watch this game consider themselves “bleach-drinking connoisseurs”. Clorox is so 1992. Unrelated note: this game sucks and I am not touching it.
VERDICT: Push
WINNER: Tie
WAS @ NO (7.0) The entire city is trying to drink itself out of the last natural disaster collapse and the secondary is decimated by substance abuse and Roger “ginger hammer” Goodell suspending everyone that looks at him funny. This is one undeserving spread.
VERDICT: Under
WINNER: Saints
BUF @ NYJ (2.5) Here is the New York Post’s picture of the New York Jets:
How am I supposed to pick them to win now? Fuck this. Although I do like that Rex Ryan is in a car with one seat up front. It’s good because neither Sanchez or Tebow is a good pick to ride shotgun.
VERDICT: Under
WINNER: Bills
MIA @ HOU (12.0) Arian Foster is feeling gimpy and now is a game-time decision. I never pick big spreads when top-shelf fantasy options don’t feel up to playing. That’s a sound strategy and I am sticking with it.
VERDICT: Under
WINNER: Texans
SF @ GB (5.0)FUCK THE 49ERS AARON RODGERS FUCKING DESTROY THEM I mean I have no stake in this game one way or the other. FUCK YOU GAY COCKMINERS.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Packers
SEA (2.5) @ ARI Well, if we can’t fucking own the Cardinals it’s pretty much better luck next year. If this prediction doesn’t work I’ll be rocking the reverse jinx thing all year in attempt to make amends.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: FUCKING SEAHAWKS
CAR (2.5) @ TB On one hand, the Panthers have a great rushing game to decimate a pretty terrible front four (Cam Newton is a great rushing threat) so the offense should have a lot of success. On the other hand, Josh Freeman hasn’t shot himself in the hand this offseason. As far as I know. So there’s that.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Panthers
PIT @ DEN (1.5) Yeah, so I’m not convinced on a practical level that Peyton Manning’s neck tumor can fight off a Ben Roethlisberger “VERY VERY BAD BUT GOOD TOUCHING.” Thank fuck this is Sunday Night Football. I think I have some paint thinner that I haven’t drunk yet.
VERDICT: Under
WINNER: OH YEAH PITTSBURGH HERE WE GO WITH AN UNDERAGE MINOR
CIN @ BAL (6.0) In theory I never take this high of an over for division games. In reality this game will fucking suck.
VERDICT: Over
WINNER: Ravens
SD @ OAK (1.0) Another easy game to call. Since San Diego fan Harold said nice things about my last post, I predict that the Chargers curb-stomp the Raiders because he is a great guy. It helps that the Raiders defense is mostly in prision.
VERDICT: Under
WINNER: Chargers
Football is back, everyone!