THE BEN CAN PASS ON OF THE LEARNINGS
Hey everyone, Ben Roethlisberger got a worthless college degree in a record 12 years!
“The crowd cheered as [Roethlisberger’s] name was announced during Sunday’s graduation ceremony at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio.”
Great idea! Anyone who’s been twice accused of sexually assaulting an inebriated woman couldn’t possibly get into any trouble on a college campus!
“[Roethlisberger] received his bachelor’s degree in education nine years after he left school early for the NFL.”
“NOW YOU CAN TRUST THE BEN WITH YOUR KIDS.” A BS in education pretty much fast tracks you for a promotion from short-order cook to assistant manager at your local Denny’s. I have serious doubts about the first item in his course curriculum, “Attractive Women and Unattended Drinks”.
“Miami University shared their footage with KDKA-TV. Roethlisberger talked about what it meant for him to graduate.”
“THE BENS GETS THE BRAINS. THE BEN NOW CAN DO THE EDUCA… EDUCATAMA….THE LEARNINGS. BEN CANNOT WAIT TO PASS THE LEARNINGS ONTO THOSE WHO NEED THE LEARNINGS, AT A DISTANCE WHERE BEN NO NEED MR. FANCY-PANTS LAWYER. THE BENS NO LONGER NEED HINES WARD TO BALANCE CHECKBOOK.”
“Roethlisberger said he did not expect it to take it so long to graduate.”
Jesus fuck.
“His wife, parents and grandmother attended the ceremony.”
From the photograph it appears that his grandmother has been mounted and stuffed by a taxidermist and wheeled into the photo shot.
THIS FUCKING FIGURES
So how is our off-season pickup of guard Deuce Lutui going?
“’[OG Deuce Lutui] looks good,’ [Seahawks head coach] Carroll said. ‘His weight is down – I mean, way down from where he can be. He’s a vegan, too, now, so he has really made a big turn.’”
Well that fucking figures. Leave it to fucking Lutui to become a vegan 38 seconds after coming to fucking Seattle. Because you just fucking *had* to become a goddamn vegan when you come to Seattle, you see. I can’t wait until OTAs when Lutui picks a fight with Brandon Browner because he wore real fur to report to camp. We’re going to be the only fucking team that has a player on the injury report because he got tear gassed the night before attending the Occupy Wall Street rallies downtown and breaking glass windows on the Wells Fargo building.
“Hey coach, I have a new blocking technique. I’ve decided not to actually do any blocking but instead attempt to really deal with the deep-seated anger issues of the pass rusher out to hurt our quarterback.”
“So you’re kind of like Paul McQuistan except you talk more.”
“That’s a good way of putting it. I was also thinking...”
"For the last time, we are not instituting 'herb friendly' film sessions when you're asked to piss in a cup every month."
Of course the real kicker will be that Lutui will probably get a starting job and be the only healthy offensive line starter for the entire 2012 season. Sorry Okung, no more triple cheeseburgers for you! Unless you don’t mind soy-based organic meat supplement burger-based sandwiches instead.
I DOUBT THERE IS ANY CANDY LEFT
Cowboys’ defensive coordinator Rob Ryan desperately wants to show off his panel van (sorry for the link, everyone is preventing embed video these days).
It’s pretty much the trashed van with scattered Pringles cans on the interior that you would expect. I am impressed with the broken VCR players, I was honestly expecting Betamax. At one point Ryan says, “It’s got a few, uh, stains in there, probably,” which is what his parole officer would expect. All in all, it’s still missing the bumper sticker of, “If this van’s a-rocking, come a-knocking because I’m probably in diabetic shock.”