JOE PHILBIN HAS NO REGRETS ABOUT HARD KNOCKS AT LEAST
In a televised interview, Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin told Albert Breer of the NFL Network that he doesn’t view the Hard Knocks program as anything negative. Here is the full transcript:
“I don’t have any regrets. I’m not sitting in my office and saying, ‘Geez, why did we do that?’ If we lose 13 games, it won’t be because Hard Knocks was here. If we lose 13 games it will be because we have a clusterfuck of a NFL team.
Our best wide receiver is a monkey on a pogo stick, and we even had to cut him because he couldn’t stop headbutting the other monkeys. This was not Hard Knocks’ fault. Nor was it Hard Knock’s fault that we stole trained animals from SeaWorld to round out our wide receivers corps. SeaWorld is demanding their animals back, but…I’m sorry. Without the trained seal how do I run a four-wide package? I need Sammie The Seal; he’s the only person that can run the slot. What the fuck do I do without him, rely on Davone Bess to catch passes? Fuck that.”
It is not Hard Knocks’ fault that our offensive strategy centers around Reggie Bush being healthy for the entire year. Yeah, that’s fucking brilliant. It’s not like last year was the only season that Bush actually finished OH NO WAIT IT WAS. Does he still have two functioning knees? Is he on life support? I honestly wouldn’t know. The only way I get information is when one of the assistants finds me passed out in a local bar and shakes me awake. This is also not Hard Knocks’ fault…ok, actually they contributed to my drinking. So that one is theirs."
It is not Hard Knocks’ fault that our defense is less a defense and more of an offensive enabler. Last week our strong safety actually blocked for a receiver downfield. We didn’t cut him either. So for all I know the defensive coordinator is fucking training people to do this shit. I just watched the Wednesday NFL opener. Fuck that game was good, which is fucking bad. Now people will expect us to do shit like that. We can’t. Well, we can drop the football like Victor Cruz, and maybe the long snapper can dance somewhat, but that’s about it.”
It’s not Hard Knocks’ fault that our offensive line is complete shit. If I had retired librarians protecting Ryan Tannehill at least the pass rush would be afraid of getting fined. I honestly don’t think our offensive line could stop a Shriner. I seriously expect Tannehill to lose two inches of height by the end of the year.”
It’s not Hard Knocks’ fault that Jeff Ireland is more of a fucking asshole than…well, all of Ireland. Matt Flynn would rather wash Russell Wilson’s jockstrap than play here. Peyton Manning only even showed up to the facility for the mobile trailer full of free whores. And Denver had a hotel room. Classy! Everyone fucking hates Ireland. This is the guy that splices shots of donkey porn into the defensive film study. And that’s after a GOOD practice. This is also not Hard Knocks’ fault. I mean, the intern did splice in the donkey porn, but it was obvious that he was forced to.”
Actually, did I say 3-13? How would we get three wins? Who are these teams? Is the NFL finally going to take pity on us and transfer us to a division II college conference? Who the fuck would be so bad that would lose to us? What? We play Jacksonville this year? Oh.”
It’s not Hard Knocks’ fault that I have no marketable skills, self-esteem or reasoning ability. Christ I suck. If anyone here was any good they would have left. I halfway expect the entire scouting department to request asylum from the UN any day now. If we could coach our way out of a film study we would go somewhere where there are less zombies. This also isn’t Hard Knocks’ fault, as I am sure the owner will hold me personally accountable for all of this by week seventeen.”