SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK: WEEK TWO
CHI 10 @ GB 23 About the most interesting thing going in this game was the one-upmanship between defensive ends Julius Peppers and Clay Matthews. Ultimately Clay Matthews curb-stomped Jay Culter and between bad blocking, Cutler holding onto the ball too long and a dead Matt Forte the Packers won handily. It’s worth noting that I don’t get to watch Thursday Night games due to class.
I do get to read about Jay Cutler swearing at his offensive line:
“As he was being sacked seven times in a 23-10 loss to the Packers, the Bears quarterback took time to chew out his offensive line, with cameras catching him bumping left tackle J’Marcus Webb and telling him to ‘get your fucking head into the game’” (swearing added because I like it – ed)
Not surprising Cutler apologized for nothing after the game. The Bears responded swiftly to Cutler’s criticism of Webb by benching Chris Spencer.
KC 17 @ BUF 35 This is Romeo Crennel:
These are the Battletoads:
You can see the resemblance. Enjoy your season, Kansas City.
CLE 27 @ CIN 34 This was billed as “the battle for Ohio”. I had always assumed that the battle for Ohio would be waged by obese drunken men in heavily-armed pickup trucks, possibly by using barnyard animals with sharp weapons taped to them. What exactly is “the battle for Ohio”? “The battle to make someone in Ohio read a book”? That sounds painful.
MIN 20 @ IND 23 This looked to be a pretty good game. Here is the first touchdown that was scored by Minnesota on a tip drill:
Look! This is the play that fucked over your fantasy team!
OAK 13 @ MIA 35 Jeff Ireland’s shitty draft and personnel moves have been pretty well documented so I don’t think the following story should need too much explaination (Football Outsiders calls Ireland “the new Matt Millen.”) To make a story short, a fan suggested that Ireland take a more drastic personnel decision:
“Ireland [was exchanging pleasantries] with a couple of fans…found himself listening to a fan complaining about his work…at one point the fan said to Ireland, ‘We need you to fire yourself.’ Ireland patted him on the shoulder, said, ‘Good one, [asshole]’.”
I like how the fan said later “I feel like I expressed an opinion he probably needed to hear.” Of course Ireland kind of sort of apologized in the Miami Herald:
“I regret I used the word I used. I thought I was using it under my breath. I guess I kind of said it loud enough that he could hear it. I literally said it under my breath. At the time I felt like I handled the situation pretty good. Probably muttered it a little too loud.”
Executive of the year. On the other hand, they did just beat a “very good” Oakland “team”.
ARI 20 @ NE 18 Wow, what a fucked game. I really enjoyed the quarterback sneak that Kevin Kolb scored on that showed his knee down on the two. Belichick was fucking pissed; by week four Belichick will shiv a referee on the field and frame Tom Coughlin for it.
The last series of the game featured a Ryan Williams inexplicable fumble inside of two minutes; the resulting touchdown was called back on a holding call. Belichick stopped trying to advance the ball and then settled for a 40-yard field goal to end the game. I was actually at a bar with a Patriots fan that I was chatting with, and he said that if the Patriots missed the field goal he was going to be sick:
The dude literally bolted out of the bar. I guess he was serious. Anonymous Patriots fan, you have my gratitude for not puking clam chowder all over the bar I was sitting at. I owe you a beer.
TB 34 @ NYG 41 Wow, what an amazing game! I didn’t get to see it! Eli Manning threw three interceptions before he settled down and started throwing touchdown passes every 20 seconds. Manning threw 510 yards by the end of the game and engineered a game-winning drive as the Giants gained separation and completely torched the secondary. How the game ended:
Coughlin ripped into Schiano instead of shaking his hand and the local sportswriters are aghast with his complete disregard for the “gentleman’s rules” (read: fake rules). My favorite comment is:
“So, if we’re talking eye-for-an-eye justice, a word of caution for Josh Freeman: Kneel at your peril.”
Wouldn’t the Buccaneers have to win games first?
BAL 23 @ PHI 24 Look, here’s a cool picture. This will save me the trouble of writing stuff:
Also, a ref told LeSean McCoy that he “needed him for his fantasy team”. Besides being kinda gross, this is exactly why the fucking replacement refs are so fucking worthless. McCoy can’t fucking put himself on your fantasy team unless he’s the commissioner. Idiot.
NO 27 @ CAR 35 Words can’t say how fucking bad the New Orleans defense is now that the entire team is suspended or locked in Roger Goodell’s fuck dungeon. Words also can’t say how little I have watched this game. One thing I did notice is that Drew Brees is checking down a whole lot lately instead of stretching the game vertically, which is odd.
HOU 27 @ JAC 7 Jacksonville really got some unlucky injury news when they heard that Blane Gabbert is in fact not injured and completely healthy to be a complete disaster at quarterback. Seriously, there is a marginally competent Chad Henne sitting right there. He’s a fucking improvement. I didn’t say he was fucking GOOD, but he is a fucking improvement. Push Gabbert in front of a bus (he won’t see it coming) and start with a new quarterback.
WAS 28 @ STL 31 So, to start off Dan Snyder paid the incomparable Josh Morgan about nine million in the offseason to catch footballs and run headfirst into a nearby defender, when Snyder could have probably found Morgan under whatever freeway overpass that he would have to live under after he was cut from some team’s training camp. Now, Josh Morgan’s only contribution was to stupidly toss the football into Cortland Finnegan’s chest for a 15-yard penalty that turned a 47-yard field goal into a 62-yard field goal that was pushed right for the loss. That was his only contribution.
While a valid flag, the refs refused to call this:
This is a blatant violation of the taunting rules. You can’t really say that the refs missed it because they were standing right fucking in front of it. Furthermore, one ref asks him to stop and he doesn’t. So this should have gone back the other way.
DAL 7 @ SEA 27 LOOKIT AT GOLDEN TATE KILL:
Of course, the refs called the ticky-tack pushout instead of the Golden Tate Golden Ram into the back of the defender, but you’ll notice I tend to bitch less about the fuckups the refs do in our favor. Also, Romo fumbled a snap. It’s pretty awesome that Romo can’t enter Seattle without fumbling something.
(It’s pretty late.)
TEN 10 @ SD 38 Another blowout for the Titans. Fortunately there is Chris Johnson to explain things:
“People need to step up and do their jobs…They don’t need to let people beat them. It don’t matter who the opposing defense is, you can’t let your guy beat you. You just can’t give up plays. You have to make plays like they make plays…I can only speak for the offense.”
Chris Johnson has an $8 million base salary and is averaging a fucking pathetic 1.1 yards per carry. So why do I get the impression he is not talking about himself?
NYJ 10 @ PIT 27 Let's watch Santonio Holmes call his own fouls during the game:
From what I understand if the referees call defenders holding receivers this week it will be the first since the SCABBY SCAB SCAB referees took the field. Along those lines receivers coaches are telling their players to push off until it is called, which actually happened this week (called against Jacoby Jones in a key moment). But yeah, this is going well!
DET 19 @ SF 27
Matt Stafford is getting really, really inaccurate and it really showed against the San Francisco defense. San Francisco managed to do well despite Leonard Davis getting repeatedly abused by Ndamukong Suh. That’s about as much as I remember of the game and also about as much as I can find online. Maybe the whole world was that drunk. Explains how Smith got his nose broken without the refs seeing it.
DEN 21 @ ATL 27
Peyton Manning started the game by throwing three interceptions in three drives, but kept it closer in the second quarter after he was through paying homage to Jay Cutler. Definitely the worst performance to date by the fucking refs, here is the quintessential rent-a-ref fuckup to date:
• Knowshon Moreno fumbles the ball in the second quarter because he is Knowshon Moreno;
• Somebody or another from the Falcons initially recovers the ball;
• This person also fumbles and Eric Decker recovers;
• Eric Decker gets flattened by 11 defenders;
• Everybody gets off the bench and starts punching everyone else
During this entire scrum the rent-a-refs were about as decisive as a 19-year-old assistant manager at a fast food restaurant. In particular Broncos center J.D. Walton pushed a ref off the pile and nothing happened to him, but he wasn’t alone. Remember, Brandon Stokley once grazed a ref with his fingers and got ejected.
In the end, only one player got penalized (Falcons defensive end Ray Edwards, who was only identified as “93 red”) and no one got ejected, although multiple players from both sides should have been. After the riot John Fox screamed at the ref from the sideline and the ref threw the flag, seemingly calling him for unsportsmanlike conduct. The flag was picked up without an explanation.
It’s probably just appropriate that after a game without any sense of boundaries or order that Michael Turner goes and gets a DUI.