Seriously, What the FUCK: WEEK FOUR
Well that was a fucking awesome Seahawks game against a pretty miserable Rams team. Fucking awesome way to choke fucking again you sacks of shit. I just tried to do a web search for worst NFL team on third down and my browser crashed. That is YOUR FAULT Seattle. Even our Internet can’t properly show how much you fucking suck.
CAR 28 @ ATL 30 This game happened. So, if you aren’t familiar with Super Troopers here is the explanation of the Meow game. And here is Thomas DeCoud, Atlanta safety, on SportsCenter:
He got up to 12. His parents should be proud.
Meow.
NE 52 @ BUF 28 Here’s a GIF of Tom Brady saying “fuck you, bitches” after scoring a four-yard run:
This marked the turning point of the game – Brady would throw two more touchdowns and the Patriots ultimately ran away with the game when Brady swore and sulked on the bench. So Jay Cutler should be in line for elite status pretty soon.
MIN 20 @ DET 13 The Lions just became the first team in history to allow both a kickoff return touchdown and punt return touchdown in consecutive games. From ProFootballTalk article apparently there isn’t anyone on the Lions that wants to play special teams. I really wasn’t aware this sort of thing was up to a vote. Do they do the same thing with all the positions? “Hey guys, Ndamakung Suh is going to be the head coach today with an important lesson in how to stomp on a guy on the football field. We were going to have Albert Haynesworth as a guest speaker but he declined as he had a previous appointment to eat an entire pastry cart. Including the actual cart.”
SD 37 @ KC 20 I didn’t watch this game, but from what I can tell the Chiefs turned it over five times in the first half and then strangely lost the game. How is that Crennel coach working out for you?
So, on Thursday I was talking to Dan:
Dan: “I have to watch what I’m saying when I watch football. I’m worried that my daughter one day will say something like ‘Daddy, why do the refs blow all the fucking calls?’”
Me: “Just tell her that the ref is a worthless cocktaster”.
Apparently I shouldn’t acquire kids. Dan did express some concern for my cats.
SEA 13 @ STL 19 So, yeah! The fake field goal thing was really fun. Of course, the second Pete Fucking Carroll gets fooled by a trick play he feels obligated to run one himself, which is completely fucking predictable and ends badly. Also, it was really fun to watch third downs! The average third down for Seattle was something like three yards and St. Louis had 10 on average. Except our fucking defense stands around and eats on third fucking down and Russell Wilson is so short he can only locate receivers by sonar. So this worked well and FUCK YOU PETE CARROLL.
SF 34 @ NYJ 0 Tebow’s first pass as a Jet in the regular season was a high wobbler on a short pass that resulted in an interception and removed one of Santonio Holmes’ feet. The next time he came in he had to call a time out to avoid a delay of game penalty and then botched a handoff. Additionally, the 49ers ran the wildcat package really well with Colin Kaepernick. The Jets are reduced to LOLTEBOWKITTEN.
Tebow’s preferred style of offense is incorrectly called the option. This is in fact not the option; running the option generally implies that you would consider anything other than tucking the ball down and running. We have a fucking word for this. We call it a “run”. I think Tebow’s offense should be called the “OMGLIKEI’MREALLYTHROWINGTHEBALLFORSURETHISTIMEGUYS”. Rolls off the tongue.
TEN 14 @ HOU 38 Jake Locker unfortunately got hurt in his shoulder and had to sit this game out while Matt Hasselbeck came off the bench in “relief”. I like Hasselbeck but his best days are really far behind. Hasselbeck used to be known for his “we want the ball and we’re going to score” unfortunate speech. These day’s he is more known for “we want the ball and I’m going to hand off to Chris Johnson because it’s less likely that the defense will throw me to the ground and kick me while I recoil into the fetal position”. It’s a transition for all of us.
OAK 6 @ DEN 37 Remember last week when everyone was talking about how Peyton Manning’s arm was done? I seem to distinctly remember someone saying something about that. I wonder who that was. Anyone? No? Well, OK then. Why don’t we just forget the entire thing and go about our business.
In all honesty if Peyton Manning had a lawn dart through his neck he could probably throw for 400 yards on this unit. And then he’d probably die because he has a lawn dart through his neck and he decided to throw a football around instead of seeking medical attention.
MIA 21 @ ARI 24 ZOMG obviously with Arizona nearly losing to Miami they are FUCKING FINISHED IN THE NFL and are going to DIE in the next few weeks when the defense falls off a cliff, Larry Fitzgerald strangles Kevin Kolb out of frustration and head coach Ken Whisenhunt abruptly retires to the wilderness to live a life of solitude and is never heard from again (SPOILER: he is eaten by DEATH HAWKS). This is a very reasonable standpoint and I will not regret this in the slightest next week.
CIN 27 @ JAC 10 The Detroit Lions had a press release stating that “a 1-3 record doesn’t faze us…we’re a different 1-3”. The Jacksonville Jaguars mentioned something similar after the loss to Cincinnati:
“No, we’re pretty much the same 1-3,” said cornerback Rashean Mathis. “Frankly, I was expecting that we would be more like 1-5 at this point except coach reminded me that it’s only week four. It feels like more than that, although my math skills are about as good as my coverage. My coverage fucking sucks, in case you were wondering. I would actually call us overachievers at this point.” Mathis paused the press conference to spit on Blaine Gabbert, who was passing through.
“I get spit on a lot,” said Gabbert. “Coach said it was a sign of respect in some countries but I think everyone on the roster is from America. Also, I wish people would quit poisoning my food.”
NO 27 @ GB 28 Once again the real refs got a standing ovation from the Green Bay crowd, which is good because if the replacement SCABBY SCAB refs showed up to Green Bay it would look like something out of Cannibal Holocaust, but featuring more cheese. So the real refs showed up, got a standing ovation and high-fived the crowd. And then Darren Sproles fumbled on a kick return and the real refs blew the call, and now we’re back where we started with the referees getting bags of broken glass thrown at them before a game starts.
Speaking of which, I imagine at this point the replacement refs will have to go into the witness protection program for the rest of their lives as I think they are less popular than serial killers or Jack Abramoff. Honestly I think that the FBI agents assigned to protect them would turn around and blow them away once they realized who they were but I believe everything I see from “In Plain Sight”.
WAS 24 @ TB 22 Um…there was a game! So Billy Cundiff was best known as the Baltimore Ravens kicker who rushed and missed a field goal in the AFC championship game because he was staring at an incorrect down and distance scoreboard when it was fourth down. Now he made the kick inside of seven seconds to ensure that the Redskins won the game in overtime. I am sure that this will go well if Washington makes it to the postseason.
Also, a big thank you to the real refs for making the regular-season games end on time. The fucking replacement refs were about as efficient with the NFL games as Leo Tolstoy is with writing books.
NYG 17 @ PHI 19 I fucking hate the icing the kicker rule, and I fucking hate it when coaches actually use this rule to their advantage because then everyone is “ICING THE KICKER WORKS RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE”. Shut the fuck up. The fat fucking walrus in charge of the Eagles just called a timeout so he could eat ham for another two minutes. I am so fucking pissed that Tynes missed the second field goal attempt and we missed Andy Reid on the sidelines screaming with a dead fish hanging out of his mouth.
Also, I really fucking hate the preview for 60 minutes that comes up during the NFL Sunday Night game. Right when I’m watching the NFL on Sunday there’s this fucking ticking clock just telling me LOOK AT YOUR WEEKEND IT IS ENDING NOW. I actually just submitted for more vacation at work while typing this sentence.
CHI 34 @ DAL 18 It's not like Gruden was fucking fantastic in the MNF booth but I've never seen him so blatantly smashed on LSD before now:
That's uh...that's good. I can really see Jay Cutler as Josey Wales:
Ten Bears: You are the grey rider. You would not make peace with the Bluecoats. You may go in peace.
Outlaw Jay Cutler: Whatever.
Ten Bears: If not then you will die.
Outlaw Jay Cutler: Whatever.
Ten Bears: Did you just shoot your own horse?
Outlaw Jay Cutler: Whatever.
I have no fucking idea why Jon Gruden calls these bluegill passes. Some sort of fish? If the pass isn't of a certain length you have to return it back to the quarterback? That would explain the five interceptions.