Seriously, What the FUCK: Week Five
So…yeah, this was another week. It’s pretty hard to write an article about all of the games when you wind up watching only four of them, and only one of them sober. But I’ll review a few things and try to come up with some picture of what happened this week.
CIN 13 @ MIA 17 So…this was a thing that happened! Since we’re speaking of Bengals and court dates, former Ben-Gal (vomit) Sarah Jones pleaded guilty to sexual misconduct in a plea deal when she was arrested for having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a student at the high school where she taught English as her day job. In return for this deal she got five years probation and she is not required to serve any jail time. She also left the courthouse hand-in-hand with the student that she was accused of having a relationship with as well as a new job as a legal secretary for the attorney that defended her.
This is a seriously disgusting double-standard. If it were the other way around we would be talking about the poor victim and how terrible it would be for anyone to live through this. But just because the kid didn’t work for the Bengals, it’s all high-fives. Fucking repulsive. Coincidentally she also attempted to sue TheDirty.com for claiming that she was riddled with STDs from sleeping with Cincinnati players, but failed to collect as her attorney mistakenly sued the wrong company.
GB 27 @ IND 30 I have no idea what happened here, other than Reggie Wayne is nowhere near as toast as we thought he was. Also, Cedric Benson was removed from the game after being tazed. Donald Brown executed a two-point conversion and did the discount double-check and the fucking B.J. Raji shuffle from those shitty State Farm commercials. And now he’s injured. Poetic justice? Poetic justice.
BAL 9 @ KC 6 Well, that was a game that happened and mercifully ended. Before the game there were many banners stating “We deserve better, fire Pioli, bench Cassel”, including one attached to a plane that flew above the stadium. Unfortunately, benching Cassell would necessarily mean starting Brady Quinn, which is ironically the sort of poor long-term planning that we have been associating with the Chiefs for many years. Funny enough, Cassell went down with a head injury, the crowd cheered, Brady Quinn started for the Chiefs and fans could clearly be heard saying “I made the banners for nothing! NOTHING!”
CLE 27 @ NYG 41 So…the national CBS game is with the Giants playing a winless team on national TV with Dan Dierdorf as the announcing crew. Did we do something to cause this? This would make more sense in early September. “To commemorate 9/11, we mark the occasion with another national tragedy: Dan Dierdorf announcing a shitty blowout game on CBS’ national broadcast.” There are many terrible quotes and I deleted the DVR to preserve the little sanity I have left but here are my choice quotes:
“Boy I really like [Browns’ head coach] Pat Shurmur; he’s come into Cleveland with a plan.”
Your plan consisted of getting blown out by 21 points even though you were once up by 14. While you do in fact have a fucking plan, it is terrible. Stop planning. Leave it to people smarter than you who do better with the plans.
(After terrible failed onside kick) “Is it still trickery when it doesn’t work? What do you call that…attempted trickery?”
“Trickery” isn’t a fucking word. So, Shurmur even fails at things that don’t exist. The phrase you are looking for would be “idiot chimpanzee who appears to be calling the plays in-between flinging his own shit at assistants”.
(Following the previous quote) “What is the difference between robbery and attempted robbery?”
Generally about five years.
PHI 14 @ PIT 16 So apparently in this story James Harrison stated that he didn’t hit Michael Vick with the football because he was worried about a fine. Instead, he waited until he threw the football downfield and THEN HIT HIM. Well, that makes perfect fucking sense!
“I thought he might duck his head, I might hit him. I can’t take [a] fine. I was more worried about a fine. It’s Michael Vick; he goes shake and bake.”
I’d be more worried developing a rash than one of the few things Vick hasn’t been convicted of.
ATL 24 @ WAS 17 The game started with a poorly-decided lateral that was tipped for an interception, followed by a comical attempt by Matt Ryan to run down the defender before he got to the end zone and…I really don’t know what the fuck he would have done. Distract him with a knock-knock joke? It’s probably just as well that Ryan didn’t try to tackle him so he didn’t get hurt…which is more than we can say for RGIII, who did in fact leave the game with a concussion.
This brought in Kirk Cousins, who threw a 77-yard touchdown on his fourth attempt to Santana Moss while two Atlanta defenders both pointed at each other and said that the other guy had the middle of the field. Quarterback controversy! Then Cousins threw two interceptions and everyone went to see if Griffin finally realized what day it was yet.
SEA 16 @ CAR 12 Steve Smith is slowly losing the rest of his sanity:
“Smith said that a win this week was vital ‘for our fans, for some people’s jobs and overall atmosphere around here, because with every loss things get tighter and tighter…right now we’re straddling the fence between falling off and staying on.’”
Whether to fall off a particular fence seems to be an easy decision, but apparently the Panthers are still wrestling with it. The good news here is that Cam Newton didn’t throw any interceptions, but the bad news is that he generally threw passes into the turf and earthworms don’t have arms to intercept him with.
Our defense is fucking amazing, yet our offense is so inept and our playcalling so bad you still have to wonder what would have been if we didn’t have an inept midget hopping over our offensive linemen to see the receivers. Although I think that Wilson’s height is being unfairly held against him; our offensive scheme is predicated on having our offensive linemen rolling on the ground with fucking ankle injuries on every fucking play and they’re pretty easy to see over at that point. Also I’ve noticed fucking Gioncammi gets pretty low to the ground when he’s committing fucking useless personal foul penalties so again, he’s pretty easy to see over. So yeah, great win! I’m sure there will be no issues with the FUCKING PATRIOTS next week.
CHI 41 @ JAC 3 Look, Josh Scobee got a field goal!
Apparently the movie “Atlas Shrugged 2” is getting made and I saw a commercial for this on Sunday. I didn’t realize there was a sequel. I’m really looking forward to the upcoming movie “More War And More Peace”.
TEN 7 @ MIN 30 I’m really looking forward to the Tennessee/Jacksonville game in week 17 as this is shaping up to be really important for upcoming position in the 2013 NFL draft. Jacksonville fans will rightly refer to this as “The Battle That Will Determine If We’re Fucking Stuck With Blaine Fucking Gabbert Next Year”.
DEN 21 @ NE 31 Oh God, Nantz and Simms are in the booth for the Denver/New England game. Tom Brady! Peyton Manning! I feel sorry for whoever has to clean up that booth after the game. In non-jizzmopping news the Broncos apparently came back after a Brady sack down 31-14 to make it 31-21 but after a few boneheaded moves (including an ill-advised onside kick and a McGahee fumble) the game is sealed. I again did not get to watch this game. Please enjoy Brandon Lloyd acting strange:
BUF 3 @ SF 45 Out of respect of depressed Bills fans I will pretend this embarrassing blowout didn’t happen. Oh, Bills fans. Would you like me to kill you now? I think you would. It will be quick.
SD 24 @ NO 31 Look, the Saints won a game! Sean Peyton was in the crowd but they wouldn’t let the Saints show him in the stadium because Goodell still has Peyton down on the list of unpersons. The only thing I’ll mention here is this final play:
That’s right, Cris Collinsworth knew more about how the game was going to end than Norv Turner did.
HOU 23 @ NYJ 17So this was the 666th game for Monday Night Football. And Mark Sanchez had a 66.6 passer rating because…because of course he did. And according to this screen grab from ESPN, Sanchez has thrown six interceptions, six touchdowns and his longest pass is for 66 yards.
