Seriously, What The FUCK: Super Bowl Hangover Edition, Part I
Welp, that’s it. Five months of the year needing constant attention like a snotty prep-school shit that has an abnormally long summer vacation and now football is back in the recesses of American sports confidence for another six months (minus a few exceptions). While we didn’t have a Seahawk or a raging offensive performance, we did get a pretty good game and an excuse to be drunk by 6:00 at night, so we’re not totally fucked here.
Seriously, Why The FUCK Did We Lose To This Panthers Team
After a brilliant 2015 season where Newton looked like the best quarterback in the entire league, all of a sudden Newton regressed to the same inaccurate, insecure, compromised, talented quarterback that we were used to seeing for the last three years. What the fuck happened? Mass hypnosis? Incantation? Why did we lose to this team again?
The entire 2015 season was The Indictment Of Cam – how dare he dab, how dare he give away footballs like stolen laptops, he had swagger, he took too many selfies, etc. Newton deflated into the same caricature that he’s always been – his passes missed high, he didn’t go through his fucking reads, he looked like someone asked him to do basic algebra on the field. He was confused and looked lost. Cotchery dropped fucking everything – at one point he dropped the ball WHEN A FUCKING PASS RUSHER WAS IN COVERAGE. Holy shit. One of the reasons Newton got the MVP was because he was killing the league with people like Ted Ginn, but fucking still.
This wasn’t all Newton’s fault. Tolbert picked a fuck of a game to fumble the football away. Stewart got his ankle rolled and used all of Manning’s HGH to jump over the pile for a touchdown. God the fucking receivers were fucking terrible. I think Hines Ward right NOW would have been a big improvement than Cotchery. Why wasn’t Funchess targeted on every play after the half despite coverage? Why didn’t the Panthers ever use seven man protect packages? Why was Andy Reid, apparently, calling the plays for the Panthers before halftime?
Quick bullet points for the remaining shit:
-Once again Greg Olsen gets a pivotal slant play for a huge first down. At least once a game the Panthers line up trips right, handoff, Newton scrambles, Olson puts on a pair of Groucho Marx glasses as a disguise and manages to get an intermediate slant route for 15 yards with the entire defense fooled. I don’t know how this shit happens.
-Holy fucking SHIT Cotchery was terrible. I think a greased up decapitated turkey could do better somehow. But all of the receivers were as much of a detriment as we predicted before the season started. Ted Ginn was either dropping passes or causing interceptions when balls clanked off his useless hands. His signature NFL Super Bowl play occurred when the safety fell down.
-Hey, lookit the Panthers complaining about the field conditions!
-And here is the final play (basically) of the Super Bowl:
(I assure you, that audio is the least irritating across all of YouTube)
I’m sure there is a good reason for Newton to jump away from getting the football. I mean, aside from messing up his pretty face.
Oh Fuck Here Are The Refs
For a season of the refs turning every fucking football game into a miniature Republican debate, this was no fucking exception. Here is the controversial non-catch! Here is the ticky-tack rule that fucks over the refs going forward in an attempt to be balanced! Here is some asshole who doesn’t have the authority to throw a player out! And so forth.
Anyway, here is the non-catch:
I apologize for the audio, I would do better if I could.
Naturally, Mike Carey predicted the call would be overturned. It wasn’t. I really want there to be a Lethal Weapon 3 remake with Mike Carey:
MEL GIBSON: “I’m thinking we can cut the blue wire.”
MIKE CAREY: (on the phone) “Nope, cut the red wire. I’m sure.”
(Explosion)
CAREY: “Huh. Third time today.”
Rivera challenged twice in the first half, the second was to rule Manning as sacked instead of throwing the ball away. And, fine, that was the wrong call but fucking seriously, that’s it for your challenges? And I so fucking wanted this call to be reversed. I mean, not for any reason for the game, I just wanted Ron Rivera to fucking completely melt down on the field, Raiders Of The Lost Ark style.
And speaking of which, here is Talib’s assassination attempt on Corey Brown when he tried to decapitate Brown to ensure that he didn’t get to the end zone:
And, just to be sure we didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, Talib was more than happy to ensure that he will be suspended and fined going forward:
“My teammates knew what it was,” Talib said. “He was on the 3-yard line. (With) a personal foul, he was on the 1 1/2-yard line, so it is what it is.”
We’ve seen Danny Amendola do the same fucking thing but being smarter than to admit to the world that he attempted to end someone’s existence of eating solid food because he figured it wouldn’t amount to much in the way of an on-field penalty. Fucking Roger Goodell jacks off to this shit.
Part II coming soon!