It’s A Manning World
During the Super Bowl:
Manning Household, Memoria Day Family Gathering
Peyton Manning: (To the Nationwide jingle) “Everyone Peyton Is Here.”
Archie Manning: “My son! Welcome! Everyone is so glad that you are here! Now we can enjoy each other’s company as a family.”
Eli Manning: “Yeah, I’m here too Dad.”
Archie: “Eli. I thought I smelled failure.”
Olivia Manning: “Eli, I didn’t notice you come in! Welcome!”
Eli: “Yeah, Dad asked me to use the servant’s entrance this year so I don’t take away from Peyton’s arrival.”
Peyton: “Sup, bro. You want to kiss it?” (Holds up Super Bowl 50 ring; ring has tiny diamond-encrusted propeller in the center.)
Eli: “Yeah, you know I have two of those too, you know?”
Olivia: “Are you sure about that, dear?”
Eli: “What? How do you not know this?”
Archie: “Eli, quit trying to make everything about you. Let’s have dinner.”
(Everyone eats dinner at a huge table surrounded by 99 percent servants.)
Peyton: “…and that’s when I knew if I pump faked and looked the safety off, I could have the time to really plant my feet and, with a real strong throw, get the ball 12 yards down the field to Thomas. He dropped it. But still.”
Archie: “That’s great son. You remind me of me, but even more me than me right now.”
Olivia: “You looked so great out there, winning a Super Bowl all by yourself.”
Eli: (Angrily stabs some vegetables with his salad fork.)
Olivia: “Eli! What’s gotten into you! Quit playing with your food while your brother talks about what a good quarterback he is.”
Eli: “Whatever. Why didn’t you guys do more when I won a Super Bowl? Peyton gets treated like royalty and all I got was a card from Dad that he wrote ‘Boy you sure got lucky’ in.”
Olivia: “Now Eli, there’s no need for sour grapes. Your brother put together a wonderful performance in the last Superb Owl, and you did some good things too in your own way.”
Peyton: “Yeah bro, just because you had to stand on the back of your defense to win doesn’t take anything away from your wins. They’re also good, just kinda less so.”
Eli: “WHAT?! Are you kidding? Compared to you?”
Peyton: “Look, every time you managed to squeak into the playoffs you had a great defense that helped you win. I mean, there’s no shame in managing a team like you did, but it’s just fact.”
Eli: “YOU BARELY DID ANYTHING! All of your passes looked like they were fired out of a t-shirt cannon! You had the best defense in the world in that game and just sat back and watched. You got less than 200 yards and never had a touchdown! Trent Dilfer put more effort into...well, everything”
Peyton: “Come on, you had JPP when he still had thumbs.”
Eli: “You couldn’t even get more mashed potatoes at this dinner without Von Miller!”
Von Miller: (Dishing out mashed potatoes on Peyton’s plate.) “That’s not true, but I’m glad to help. There’s no I in team, Eli.”
Peyton: “Let’s face it, I didn’t have much to work with on offense. The line wasn’t good and the receivers were okay.”
Eli: “You had Demaryus Thomas and Sanders!”
Peyton: “Yeah, but you had a better tight end and line that I did.”
Eli: “I had Chris Snee’s leftover body parts at guard! David Tyree made one catch for his entire life and that’s all he has to show for his career!”
David Tyree “Guys, I’m sitting right here.”
Archie: “Eli, you’re just sore because I thought you were adopted for about a decade, but you have to admit that the Carolina Panthers are a much better team than the ones you played against.”
Eli: “I PLAYED AGAINST THE UNDEFEATED PATRIOTS.”
Archie: “Yeah, but that Ron Rivera…what a coach.”
Eli: “GOD. I NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS. You always treat Peyton like he’s football royalty and no matter whatever I do it’s never fucking good enough for you, you always undermine my accomplishments just because Peyton has more records and endorsements…”
Peyton: (To the Nationwide jingle) “Please pass me some cool Bud Light.”
Eli: “…I swear, you would think that I’m like a bastard child around here…”
Olivia: (Laughs nerviously, fidgits.)
Eli: “For fuck’s sake, that was the worst performance that I have ever seen out of a quarterback! If he were still in the league…with the way Peyton played...Tim…TIM TEBOW COULD HAVE WON THAT SUPER BOWL!”
(Everyone, including the servants, gasp.)
Archie: “THAT IS ENOUGH! YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THIS DINNER TABLE, YOUNG MAN.”
(Later, at the kiddie table.)
Eli: “…and it’s just the truth that he didn’t play well at all this year, and especially in the Super Bowl! He won on the back of his defense.”
Eli’s 10-year-old niece: (Holds up overfed housecat) “Mr. Whiskers believes you.”
Mr. Whiskers: (Hisses at Eli Manning)
Eli: "This sucks."