Fuck You Cockwallet

All The Bets Paid Off Take My Word For It

Those Clowns In Washington

Fuck Brady Always

My Shitty Mock Draft

In Defense Of Kaep

Offseason round-up – well fuck this

The NFL is back! Only a few more days until all teams give us some sweet, sweet preseason game action that will hold my attention for about 38 seconds until I start searching for random shit. Regardless, the NFL is back and it will consume my non-working hours (and a fair bit of my working hours) so in tribute to this coming back let’s do another offseason roundup. My wife is lucky to have me.

Buffalo Bills

Head Coach: Sean McDermott, seen here desperately hoping to be noticed by the casting associate of Peaky Blinders:

GM: Brandon Beane, the off-brand Mr. Bean

Notable offseason additions: Stephen Haushka, Vladimir Ducasse, Micah Hyde, Tre’Davious White, E.J. Gaines

Notable offseason losses: Sammy Watkins, Dan Carpenter, Mike Gillisee, Stephen Gilmore

Welcome back to Buffalo Stadium. Days Without Injury Due To Falling Drunken Asshole – Zero. It is always zero:

The Bills fired the Ryan brothers at the end of the year. BOOOOOOOO. Just imagine moments like this are gone forever:

I have no fucking idea what is even going on in this image. But it’s the fucking Bills. This shit is the most fun their fans will ever fucking have, and now it’s fucking OVER. They’ll just get on their tandem bike and ride the fuck out of town, fuck you very much.

When the winter thaws over. In late August.

It’s another usual dysfunction junction in Buffalo. They got rid of their head coach when he refused to bench Tyrod Taylor at the end of the year. The team wanted to bench Taylor because they were concerned about having to pay out his injury clause at the end of the year if a giant Jets player sat on this thorax. So they fired Ryan, benched Taylor, managed to lose 30-10 to the fucking Jets, and then interim coach Anthony Lynn got the fuck out of dodge to coach the Los Angeles Chargers and finally feel his fucking fingers again. Hard to argue with that career path.

Meanwhile, GM at the time Doug Whaley gave a press conference that Sean Spicer would think is amateur hour:

This makes Donald Trump look ambitious. After all the bullshit that Whaley put Taylor through, the team fucking signed him ANYWAY because they had no better options. Oh, and they also declined to exercise Sammy Watkins’ fifth-year option. You may remember Watkins from the draft that this GM Whaley blew two firsts and a fourth to draft the guy and then didn’t pick up his fifth year option. Mark my words, Watkins will fucking EXPLODE this year, and then do what everyone in Buffalo only dreams of: get the fuck out of Buffalo. (UPDATE: Sooner than expected!) Unrelated, but fuck Tom Brady:

Somehow, NFL artic outpost zero seems to have some difficulty in attracting free agents that don’t like fucking penguins. Cardale Jones cried tears of joy after being traded to the LA Chargers, much like any hostage being released from a prison ice world. You’ll be shocked to find out that Doug Whaley was fired, but of course AFTER the draft, because in Buffalo we like to make sure things are nice and properly fucked, just like our penguins. Here is GM Whaley, with also-fired Sabres GM Tim Murray. These fucking people have MILLIONS despite systematic failure and still can’t make it the fuck out of Buffalo! Steal a dog sled or something!

Basically this team is exactly the same. Zay Jones gets drafted to fill the role of the miscast number two receiver. The linebackers still couldn’t stop a homeless guy from jizzing on a supermodel. Taylor will make about 12 passes a month. This team will still find a way to lose to the Jets, probably the only team.

And I still buried the lede here, because the only redeeming value at this point are the fans. It’s the only reason for this team’s existence. Here is a story about a fan throwing a dildo on the field when the team lost to the Patriots. The dildo had the name Brady on it, and who knows? Maybe it is his dildo! The fans are known for wonderful acts of self destruction each year, and we will leave you with that. Here is a woman in a Captain America outfit, chugging a beer and CHUGGING MY HEART:

Here are Bills fans destroying tables and setting themselves on fire, courtesy of the aptly-named Creepysteve:

Here is a Bills fans rimjobbing beer out of some woman’s asshole, and, uh, sorry I posted this:

And this is just fun: