Fuck You Cockwallet

All The Bets Paid Off Take My Word For It

Those Clowns In Washington

Fuck Brady Always

My Shitty Mock Draft

In Defense Of Kaep

The Bills

Offseason round-up – well fuck this

The NFL is back! Only a few more days until all teams give us some sweet, sweet preseason game action that will hold my attention for about 38 seconds until I start searching for random shit. Regardless, the NFL is back and it will consume my non-working hours (and a fair bit of my working hours) so in tribute to this coming back let’s do another offseason roundup. My wife is lucky to have me.

New York Jets

Head coach: Todd Bowles

GM: Mike Maccagnan. Maybe that’s not Scottish enough. It should be “Michael McWhiskeyBreathKiltBoy Jr.”

Notable offseason hostages: ArDarius Stewart, Kelvin Beachum, Josh McCown, Jamal Adams

Notable offseason losses: Darrelle Revis, Brandon Marshall, Eric Decker, Nick Mangold, Ryan Clady, Breno Giacomini, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Geno Smith, Chan “4Chan” Gailey, Marcel Shipp, Nick Folk, Devin Smith, Marcus Gilchrist, David Harris, most of the janitorial staff, Bob in the front office and let’s be frank I don’t exactly know what he did, Chris Christie, Woddy Johnson

A unique phenomenon in the NFL is the team that has decided early in the season that it can’t compete. Honestly, even teams like the Browns at least pay lip service to the idea that they won’t be a complete fucking disaster in the regular season to their fan(s), despite objective evidence to the contrary.. But not the Jets! They surrendered sometime in March.

This team released all of their veterans overnight, as you can see above. This was a veteran-heavy team that threw their back out reaching all the way back in the fridge for the last jar of olives and went 5-11. So, they all went. Revis, Marshall, Giacomini, all of them. Even Mangold:

And it’s all about the future apparently, assuming “the future” means “let’s draft all wide receivers and cornerbacks because LOL US”. Speaking of which, let’s check in with Christian Hackenberg!

Yep. There hasn’t been this much of an attack on the free press since the last 70 seconds since Trump last tweeted. The most direct cause for journalist injury will probably come from errant Hackenberg passes. It’s honestly how fucking amazingly inaccurate Hackenberg is. It’s like picking the least accurate skeet shooter in the country and making him part of Delta squad. I really can’t wait for Hackenberg to carpet bomb unsuspecting NFL support staff the entire year. Here is an excerpt from MMQB:

“Christian Hackenberg was having trouble just breaking the huddle correctly. During one rep in the seven-on-seven drills…the coach ordered him to re-huddle. When he broke the huddle again – in the wrong fashion for a second time – he was ordered off the field.”

Jesus fucking Christ. Not even Roethlisberger does that shit, and his offensive coordinator has to use a color-by-number playbook for him.

“The next time Hackenberg took the field, he broke the huddle correctly and threaded a pass about 20 yards downfield for a completion. That kind of resilience will serve him well, if he wants to be the Jets’ long-term quarterback answer.”

This apparently was delivered without a hint of fucking irony. Please note that, these are not the New York Jets. These are the New Jersey Jets, home of some mouth breathing 300 pound assholes wearing a “breast inspector” t-shirt, with the only marketable skill of being able to sexually harass women, sputter racial remarks and mainline a meatball sandwich all at the same fucking time, without breathing. Tony Siragusa is practically a fucking UN diplomat compared to these assholes. In an unrelated story, Bryce Petty is still on the roster due to a clerical error.

Oh, by the way, Woody Johnson has been pegged by the Trump administration to be the ambassador to the UK. Only a matter of time until we get into a trade war and waste a bunch of perfectly good tea.

Todd Bowles is already snapping at the media in the pre-season over his players shitting on Brandon Marshall at every opportunity (have fun with that one, actual New York team!). Their first round pick said that he wants to die on the field in a training camp forum, to resounding applause. Roger Goodell was actually at that meeting and had to stay seated for the next 20 minutes due to a raging erection. Quincy Enunwa went on IR due to a “neck issue”, per Bowles, and was discovered to be a bulging disc. That’s like calling Chernobyl a mechanical failure. The funniest part of this whole thing is when Bowles and the three receivers left on the team win five games, proving that the fucking Jets can’t even fucking tank correctly.