Offseason round-up – well fuck this
The NFL is back! Only a few more days until all teams give us some sweet, sweet preseason game action that will hold my attention for about 38 seconds until I start searching for random shit. Regardless, the NFL is back and it will consume my non-working hours (and a fair bit of my working hours) so in tribute to this coming back let’s do another offseason roundup. My wife is lucky to have me.
Miami Dolphins
Head Coach: Adam Gase, seen here in a remake of Faulty Towers:
GM: Chris Grier
Notable offseason acquisitions: Jay Cutler, TJ McDanield, Charles Harris, Raekwon McMillan
Notable offseason losses: Brandon Albert, Mario Williams, Earl Mitchell, Dion Jordan
After a terrible start to 2016, with a 1-3 record, and the only win on that record was because the Browns missed three field goals, the Dolphins seemed poised to be another speed bump for the fucking Patriots. Gase, however, managed to turn things around with Jay Ajayi and some pretty good play out of quarterback Ryan Tannehill, only to be undone in December when Tannehill had a knee injury. The Dolphins made it to an obligated post-season appearance where they promptly got stomped by the Steelers. Here is Bud Dupree attempting to vaporize backup quarterback Matt Moore’s jaw:
The NFL considered Ajayi’s shove of a Steelers player to be roughly on par with an assassination attempt because of course they did. You can see a piece of Moore’s brain leave his fucking body. He returned to the field a few plays later because O HEY THE NFL IS SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT CONCUSSIONS EVERYONE.
Of course, Tannehill elected not to have surgery on this knee, instead opting for physical therapy and shamanistic rituals to keep his MCL from bursting in the first pre-season game. Which, these things were successful, in the respect that he never made it to the first pre-season game, and that he had an injury during a scrimmage in training camp. Meet your starting 2017 Dolphins QB:
Oh, Dolphins fans. I am so, so, sorry. Actually, my exact comment is BWHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…
(Inhales deeply)
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
(Spends 60 seconds breathing and exhaling)
Ah…ok. Yeah. So it’s Jay fucking Cutler, lured out of retirement with 10 million guaranteed and a lifetime supply of Camel cigarettes. The major letdown is that now we don’t get to hear Cutler in the announcing booth, which would have been FANTASTIC:
Announcer: “And while Alex Smith has been successful, Jay, he’s only averaging seven yards a completion and hasn’t targeted any receivers more than 20 yards downfield…”
Jay: (Snorts) “Fucking pussy.”
Ann: “Uh…well, with a 86 percent completion rate, you can’t deny that he’s been effect…”
Jay: In a high-pitched voice) “OOHHH LOOKIT HOW DREAMY AND EFFECTIVE ALEX SMITH’S WIDDLE HANDS ARE I WILL MARRY HIM AND MOVE TO NIAGRA FALLS. Yeah. This sucks. You can go fuck yourself. Jay-C OUT.”
Ann: “Jay, it’s the third quarter! Where are you going? Jay!”
We’ll have to wait a year, I guess. In the meantime we’ll have to see if Cutler is still going to take shots down the field or if he is now convinced that will cause autism. This is a good annual reminder that the Dolphins stadium is built on a Native American burial ground, because of course it is. That’s how you can tell what a disorganized franchise the Dolphins are. If this happened to the Patriots, Belichick would probably have killed Bruschi and forced his spirit to rush the passer FOREVER.
Anyway, there is no team in the NFL that specializes in repackaging themselves every fucking year and somehow managing to gin up an unreasonable excitement from their fans than the Dolphins or perhaps Donald Trump. DeVante Parker is once again a sleeper to break out this year. And every year. When Parker is fucking 45 years old he’ll be a sleeper wide receiver. Jarvis Landry is ready to leave after this year and accounts for about 60 percent of the Miami Dolphins production. Ndamakong Suh somehow made it through the offseason without killing another human. Larry Tunsil managed to hurt himself by slipping in the shower.
And now there’s Jay Fucking Catler, throwing pick-sixes and flipping off the fans at least twice a game. At least we don’t have to watch fucking Tannehill spend the first half of the season putting his helmet on backwards. I had a bunch of GIFs ready to go before the news broke, but here’s one:
For fuck’s sake. Roombas have more pocket awareness. Let’s face it, the drop off from Tannehill to Cutler is…pretty much the same, really! This is a team that is showing about as much ambition in the pre-season as the fucking Jets. They might as well just draft their first rounder now and trot out Matt Moore. Catler could just put up a hammock on the sideline, text on his phone all afternoon and just flip off the fans periodically. What a shitshow.