Offseason round-up – well fuck this
New England Patriots
Head Coach: THE FUCKING DEVIL
GM: The son of the fucking devil, who isn’t all that bad of a guy when you get to know him.
Notable offseason additions: Brandon Cooks, Dwayne Allen, Stephen Gilmore, Rex Burkhead, Mike Gillislee, David Harris
Notable offseason losses: LeGarrette Blount, Sebastian Volmer, Chris Long, Logan Ryan, Martellus Bennett
FUCK. This is living fucking proof that, if there was a God, we should have been obliterated by a fucking meteor on January 1st and spare us the Presidency, this Super Bowl and our hangovers. This horrible fucking team won AGAIN. Anyone else and it would have been the game of the century, but the Falcons are clueless assholes with no discernable clock management skills. And this shit franchise won AGAIN. I’m not going to fucking recap the Super Bowl. You want an update, go ask some horrible shithead New England fan for an update. “TAWM BRADY IS THE FACKING GREATEST DESPITE OW-AH PERSECUTION NO ONE DENIES” (throws up). Fuck them.
Oh, and if you want proof that this team is the worst fucking thing ever?
There. Of course these assholes cozied up to our Cheeto overlord. Everyone in these fucking photos has no goddamn issue with putting the fucking fix in before the results. And after “winning” the fucking Super Bowl, we then get treated to a story about a Mexican reporter stealing NFL memorabilia, specifically being caught lifting Tom Brady’s shirt. As if it couldn’t get much worse. “THAWRE IS THE FAWKING IMMIGRANT MEDIA, STEALIN OWA JABS AND OUR SPAWTS…STUFF. WE NEED TO MAKE AW WALL AND MAKE THE AZTECA CORPORATION PAY FOR IT.”
This is my obligation to bring up the fact that these goddamn assholes have perfected cheating to a science. This article will be here this year, and every fucking year, may it never die. This was sent out in the 2015 season, and about a month later guess who hosted the first regular season game. And guess what visitor mysteriously couldn’t use their headsets anymore. WHAT A SHOCK.
About the only good thing about Belichick and Brady is that, like Trump, they are not long for their position of power. Unfortunately, like Trump, we might not live to see it, but there it is. These humorless assholes are loading up for bear this offseason – they’re swapping draft picks for premier players and overpaying veterans for another run. And you know what? These fucking humorless pricks are probably going to do it. FUCK. I would seriously pay 50 WHOLE DOLLARS for someone to run over Brady’s leg with a lawn mower. Repeatedly.
The Patriots got Dwayne Allen and a sixth rounder for a fourth, they got Stephon Gilmore for $40 million, got Brandon Cooks for their first, got Kony Ealy and a third for their second, and managed to pick up David Harris from free agency after the Jets stupidly cut him. Gisele, currently Brady’s wife and also sole owner of Brady’s balls in a jar, told the IMMIGRANT MEDIA about Brady’s unreported concussions. Belichick loved that one. Here is Darth Poncho directing all questions to his unnamed medical staff, who were most likely on a Guatemalan death squad at some point:
It's only minicamp, but Bill Belichick was in midseason form when asked about Tom Brady's alleged concussion from last season. pic.twitter.com/63wW5WevY3
— NESN (@NESN) June 6, 2017
As I mentioned before, the fucking worst about this is that they will probably win again. And then give validation to the most horrible pieces of shit on the planet. Literally 70 percent of the decent Boston sports fans are my extended family. Somehow these garbage fans can brag, whine, act arrogant and defensive, paranoid and racist ALL AT THE SAME TIME. It’s a fucking marvel of the 21st century. Through cosmic luck you have the fucking devil as your head coach and a gifted quarterback on a rented brain and through fate of living in some overpriced shithole on the outskirts of the Boston area as a forklift driver you get to win every fucking bar argument forever.
If 2017 has a fucking theme it’s that good things happen to the most terrible of people because of course they do. Fucking Trump is in the White House, and would probably force his wife to blow him every night threatening to nuke North Korea if she doesn’t if we all know she doesn’t give one solitary shit if he did. These assholes won the Super Bowl again after Russia hacks the other 31 teams and puts their playbooks up on Wikileaks.
Everything sucks. This fucking sucks. Trump will suspend the 2020 elections by declaring a state of emergency when a black person wasn’t deferential to him and the Patriots will win seven more Super Bowls with Brady’s android doppelganger. The sun should eat the earth. Life fucking sucks. We should all drink ourselves to death the second we can.
Next up, more football writing! Yay! Life is great! (Takes five million Prozac.)