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Colin Kaepernick Is Being Fucking Blackballed From The NFL. I Think.

Folks, I’ve finally decided it’s high time to say something about the plight of poor, unfairly exiled Colin Kaepernick. Never in 2013 would I have thought I would write that sentence without a hint of irony.

As you all (probably) know, Kaepernick made headlines last year by protesting during the national anthem, sometimes being joined by other players (members of the Seahawks joined him at one point before trying to murder him). He did this to raise awareness for the general Black Lives Matter movement and black people being shot to death by police officers in specific.

Kaepernick managed to win the initial PR battle but obviously the NFL wages a war. We are now into July and Kaepernick does not have a job at the NFL level at all, despite the fact that he was in a Super Bowl in 2012; during which time the usual round table of NFL quarterback retreads are getting jobs. Brian Hoyer and Josh McCown are fucking STARTING, although both teams seem morally opposed to winning games. For fuck’s sake, Mark Sanchez has a job, and I haven’t seen anyone charge into an unsuspecting asshole so hard since Jerry Sandusky.

And as always MMQB will happily carry the water of nameless NFL owners and executives. And I do mean nameless, because MMQB and Peter King have a long-standing policy of allowing anonymous slamming of NFL players in their work. Here is King allowing anonymous 49ers head office types to question whether Kaepernick just wants to do social justice work full-time. Here are anonymous reports questioning Kaep’s vegan diet (never mind Brady and Foster did the same thing without scrutiny). He wants too much money. This is rich:

“Second, some teams fear the backlash from fans after getting him. They think there might be protests or [President Donald] Trump will tweet about the team. I’d say that number is around 10 percent…”

Yeah, Trump fucking took credit for it, because why wouldn’t he take credit for ruining a black guy’s career, especially if he didn’t have to do any work? Here’s Andy Benoit, the latest stooge from MMQB:

Why are we stopping here? Let’s drag Johnny Manziel out of whatever fucking opium den he’s in and put him in a fucking Jets uniform! That list, by the way, is pretty much the list of people who have jobs over Kaepernick right now, with the notable exception of Blaine Gabbert, who Kaep started to back up but took over for last year on the 49ers and probably got removed from this list by the editor. This useless fuck doubles down on his fucking post here:

“Let me amend myself – there are actually 15 backup quarterbacks better than Kaepernick, and that doesn’t even include rookies Mitchell Trubisky, Patrick Mahomes, Deshaun Watson, DeShone Kizer and David Webb.”

Davis fucking Webb? Where’s Tim Fucking Tebow? Never mind that the Texans gave the Browns a fucking second round pick to basically kidnap Osweiler so DeAndre Hopkins wouldn’t murder him in his bedroom during the offseason. Remember when Matt fucking Moore was signed to back up Chad Henne by the Dolphins? That’s like a soul-searching quest to find the right guy to surrender to the Germans. Here’s a good reason to drink:

“On November 6th, [Moore] became the first Miami quarterback since Chad Pennington in 2008 to throw three touchdown passes in a game…”

That was in FUCKING 2011. Kaep passed for three TDs last year, ironically against the Dolphins, but he threw two and ran for one against the Rams in week 16. Ryan Fucking Mallet was benched when he missed a team flight because he overslept and is too stupid to know what clocks do. “Landry Jones” is actually a swear word in Pittsburgh. And this article is proof positive that Derek Fucking Anderson is still gainfully employed.

Oh, and this is good:

“Kaepernick is talented enough to be an NFL backup. IN fact, I think he’s better than almost half of the backup QB in the league…”

SO WHY DOES HE NOT HAVE A JOB?! Most of this article just talks about how Kaep “isn’t a pocket passer”, which is the oldest of racist dog whistles. When you say “(X black quarterback) isn’t a pocket passer,” Vince Young’s can hear you anywhere in the country. True fact! More fun:

“Maybe this takes us indirectly to the anthem protest. The fallout from the protest has made Kaepernick a distraction…”

OH NOES THE DISTRACTION. Never mind that domestic violence, DUI and drug offenses are routine in the NFL, but hey, can’t protest black people being shot. Also, our primary backup to Wilson is Trevone Boykin, who was released by a Texas jail the second time in two weeks on April 6th, most notably for being high and drunk and also sorta kinda the passenger in a car that backed up into a bar, hurting eight people. Also Boykin basically holds all of Florida up at gunpoint every offseason.

Regardless, the pocket passing QB thing is bullshit. Russell Wilson has a fine career and he’s not exactly a pocket passer. Roethlisberger historically has been better when he is not in the pocket, so much so that opposing teams try to keep him in the pocket so he can get another concussion while thinking. Tyrod Taylor’s not a pocket passer, and while he’s not a world beater he is a starter. Fucking Dan fucking Orlovsky got a fucking job! There is only one highlight, and there will only be one highlight, for Dan fucking Orlovsky:

Note that this “worst play” footage is from the fucking NFL itself. I like how both Jared Allen and the ref had to run after Orlovsky after safetying himself, as if he had no fucking awareness over what happened. Anyway, note that Orlovsky only started more than five times once and it was when the Lions went 0-16.

But we're not done! Here's Michael Vick:

“First thing we’ve got to get Colin to do is cut his hair…Just go clean-cut. You know, why not? You’re already dealing with a lot of controversy surrounding this issue. The most important thing that he needs to do is just try to be presentable…”

“Well, that was the advice my parole officer gave to me.” That’s right, a fucking CONVICTED FELON is now weighing in on this Very Serious Matter Very Stern Looking Men Must Debate, Preferably While Screaming At Each Other. Vick ran a dogfighting ring and got fucking indicted on RICO when the feds were (rightly) convinced that the cowardly district attorney was not going to convict for animal cruelty. Fucking RICO! You normally expect RICO cases to be handed down to people with names like “Fat Tony”, “Jimmy The Icepick,” and “Freddy The Guy Who Killed A Whole Lot Of Other Guys”. Has fucking Rae Carruth weighed in on this yet?

Broncos linebacker Brandon Marshall openly wonders why Geno Smith has a job and Kaep does not. That’s a great point. I wouldn’t trust Smith to fucking make waffles without fusing his hand to the waffle iron. Marshall also joined in Kaep’s protest which cost him endorsements and got racist fan hate mail. On the other side of things, the Giants’ owner John Mara states in that all of his years in the league, “I never received more emotional mail from people than I did about [the possibility of signing Kaepernick]…it’s an emotional, emotional issue for a lot of people, moreso than any other issue that I’ve run into.” Apparently all the people he ran into give zero fucks about domestic violence, as kicker Josh Brown got a new contract after being arrested for DV and the team kept him on after police and court documents showed that he admitted to it. His wife alleges that he abused her more than 20 times.

But that doesn’t matter. I’m not saying that Kaep is definitely being blackballed by the NFL, mostly because I only have one lawyer and the NFL has all of them, but it makes more sense than any other definition. And you know what? The NFL gives zero fucks. And why should they? Jim Irsay could drive a lawn mower over an infant on national television and I would probably still watch Colts games.