Those Clowns In Washington

Fuck Brady Always

My Shitty Mock Draft

In Defense Of Kaep

The Bills

The Jets

The Dolphins

The Worst

Offseason round-up – well fuck this

New York Giants

Head Coach: Ben “Much Me About Nothing” McAdoo

GM: Jerry Reece – no man has ever gotten so much job security about last decade’s draft

Notable offseason additions: Brandon Marshall, Evan Engram, D. J. Fluker, Duke Ihenacho

Notable offseason losses: Victor Cruz, Raheem Moore, Jonathan Hankins, Coty Sensabaugh

Hey, how did last season go Beckham?

Yep. The Giants finally got rid of Coughlin last offseason after he went 6-10 so he could have more spare time to yell at the lady who lives in his phone, Jim Mara, Walmart employees, clouds and other fun retiree things. Meanwhile McAdoo was retained so he could keep the same offense in place and Elisha Manning was FUCKING TERRIBLE. PFF ranked Elisha 27th out of 34 eligible quarterbacks. I assume that the other people the Manning finished higher on were so unaware they died later on by falling down open manholes.

And it was the DEFENSE that carried this team, despite the fact that JPP is playing with a lobster claw on one hand and that Steve Spagnolo is still telling them what to do. If Spagnolo told me to run out of a burning building I’d text Wade Philips for a second opinion. Despite all of this, and despite the fact that pointing and laughing at Beckham causes his blood to boil and penalty flags to eject out of his asshole, this team managed to secure a wild card slot to go play the Packers.

So, we’re sure that Beckham and the wide receivers are going to spend the week in serious film stu-oh.

Yep, instead of living inside of a gym or watching film on how many desserts Mike McCarthy eats before halftime, these GLORY BOYS went clubbing and then out on a boat. They were partying with Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Jamie Foxx and JOHNNY MANZIEL, who might as well be affiliated with ISIS or Kaepernick as far as the NFL is concerned. Who wasn’t invited, you ask?

You know how this ended. The Giants’ offense went completely limp-dicked and the Packers wound up rolling them, and also fuck walls:

Beckham’s sordid relationship with inanimate objects:

You’ll be shocked to know that the media laid the loss at the feet of a boat, which doesn’t have feet:

“’Sun and Done’…’Shipwrecked’…’Yacht’s All Folks…there was no shortage of amusing headlines after the Giants’ wild-card playoff loss…”

All these headlines are shitty and not funny at all.

“…it was a terrible decision for them to travel to Miami [before the game]. First and foremost, it set in motion the dreaded ‘D’ word for sports teams – distraction.”

OH NOES THE DISTRACTION. Fuck off. They spent their time off on a boat. Who gives a shit? Our fucking President can’t work five days without retreating to a goddamn golf course. As usual, every fucking NFL writer treats someone fucking around on their day off like they just posted the nuclear launch codes online.

“While some might say a hot Aaron Rodgers was destined to beat the Giants…”

So it didn’t fucking matter. Fuck you. This is terrible.

And more of the same shit this year really. Manning is like the dog you should have really put down last week but was too busy on Reddit. He was fucking terrible, and even his fucking emails get interceptedthese days (seen here committing uh, merchandise fraud? I guess). And their succession strategy is GENO SMITH. This has been thought through less than the Iranian hostage crisis. This organization managed to get a draft pick downgraded after using walkie-talkies, which is more resourceful than I thought they were. This team once got motivated by watching a guy punch a kangaroo, despite the fact that not one person could agree on why it was motivating. Elisha was shocked to learn that giant hoppy rats do exist.

Newest team addition is Brandon Marshall, a.k.a. “The Man Who Your Entire Team Will Hate”. Well, THAT should be a good compliment to Beckham! These definitely won’t be trying to strangle each other during the post-game presser! I can already see that happening after Geno Smith starts eight games this year. It’s quite possible it will happen. Both the Cowboys and the Giants offensive lines are sick, but the Cowboys line is “sick” as in “good”, but the Giants line is “sick” as in “hey guys, I don’t think Justin Pugh is going to be OK.”